Dangers of the Sea

For the Voyage is Long

I. Hate. This. Ship.

"How does the deck even get this dirty? We are surrounded by water!" I cry out slamming the mop into the mucky browning water. Yuck.

The wooden bucket tilts to the side nearly tipping, but doesn't completely topple over spilling out. Shame, I would've liked to see that.

Kendrick, the Bastard, just stands there chuckling at my misery, and nudges me with his broad shoulders after a few seconds.

"You'd best get back to working. There's still more deck left to be mopped," he snickers.

I let out an exaggerated groan, probably drawing the attention of some of the crew. He nudges me again pointedly and I grab the mop getting back to cleaning.

Thank the heavens, Mother taught me how to clean.

"The faster you get this done, the sooner you can get to helping with the kitchens," A crew member snarks passing by. Kendrick gives him a pointed look, but nothing else is said.

Without Kendrick, I'd be sleeping with the fishes. At least that's what he keeps telling me. Do fish even sleep? 

I flip up my middle finger at the passing crew member. A boisterous bark of a laugh follows. Kendrick snorts and chuckles with the passing crew, but  his is more rich and deep, drowning in the sounds of the others with the high pitches of his voice forcing his laugh to stand out against all the rest. 

If I really tried hard to force myself to love another man, the same way that I did with Joshua, I could eventually love Kendrick. But I can't. I can't force myself to love another man. It worked once with Joshua, but that ended with him hanging where I thought I once would. I loved Joshua, but it sometimes felt more like something different than mother and father described. 

My love for Joshua was a comfort. It was familiar, and firm. He was there; I could never imagine that a day would come without him by my side. Now he's the wind at my back pushing more towards a newer goal of vengeance. Rather than being the ground beneath my feet, I stand on the waves of change. Joshua was my certainty of happiness, now it's all changing. Finding happiness will come with his justice. 

My arms keep moving as I absentmindedly continue mopping the deck. Water sloshes onto the bottom of my peasant dress, the dark green bleeding darker with the sloshing water dripping towards the floor. My shoes and socks grow even more uncomfortable than the tight pinching of the borrowed boy shoes I'm wearing. It'll go away when the socks dry, I just have to finish mopping. 

A light tap on the shoulder pulls me from the static drizzle of my thoughts. Kendrick steps into my field of vision. He stands with another man. 

"This is our Sailing Master, and he'll take you towards the sleeping quarters where the Captain has left you some of her clothes. Change and we can discuss your next task," Kendrick's tone holds a level of finality to it. No argument to be made. I guess I didn't hide my discomfort well enough. 

Kendrick leaves and the man steps forward. The face I see is one I never thought I'd see again. 

"Seamus," his name escapes me in a breath of air. It's wispy and almost silent, but he must hear me because he smiles kindly at me. It's the same crooked smile that he would direct at me while we pulled a prank on our parents as young children. I thought it was lost with him after the accident. 

"What a sight for sore eyes you are 'phia," he breathed. His shoulders dropped from where they were stuck by his ears, almost like the whole of his body sagged towards the ground. He seems happy to see me, but I don't know if I can truly say the same about myself.

"I could say the same to you, Seamus. It's been about three years now, right?" Crossing my arms I set my gaze on him staring him directly in the eyes. He doesn't get the point, just stares back at me with a smile on his face; although, he does shift to the left and cross his own arms over his chest. A sizing up stare down starts as neither of us break eye contact.  

"It has been that long," he starts uncrossing his arms. They stay limply by his sides. "Feels like longer. What are you doing here? Where's Josh? Does he know you're here? He's probably worried himself sick - " 

"He would be if he could be," I sneer under my breath.

"What?" He stumbled back.

"Josh is gone, " Brushing past him, I clarified some of the worst news that I could deliver. 

Out of the corner of my peripheral, I can make out his muscles clenching up and his jaw tightening to the point that you can almost hear his teeth grinding. Telling someone bluntly that his best friend is dead isn't the nicest, but screw it. He left us first, and we had to learn that he wasn't dead by the government issuing a price for his head.

A fire grows inside me, burning inside my gut ready to burst in an explosion. Then he decides to put his hand on me to stop me from leaving. I'm erupting.

 "How?"

"Why do you care?" I snarl.

"'Phia, of course I care. You and Josh -" 

"Don't speak his name," I explode bulldozing over Seamus. He drops his head and keeps his eyes on the ground. Good. 

"After leaving us behind with a gargantuan mess to clean up, no words from you. You don't -" I spat, spit flying from my lips like the venom coming from my words.s

"Do you honestly think leaving everything I loved was easy? I left everything, Sophia! My parents were gone! I was losing the estate as our government stood by! I had nothing anymore! I made a choice and headed back to the family and friends I found at sea where they left me! But you should know better... You left yourself." He stopped holding his arm out in front of him and loosely pointing in his hand in my direction. 

He looked up from the ground and faced me. Faced his past and mistakes which he had left behind.

"Wasn't doing it's job? You had nothing? What about me, Joshua!? We were still there! If you only had been more patient...! It was doing its job, just not as soon as you thought it would have been. You left without wasting a thought for us." I scoffed. 

"'Phia," he pleads. Tears sting. Haven't I done enough crying these past few months?

"Weren't we enough," I sobbed. 

He hesitates to reach out. Arms hanging in the air to reach out, but they just hang there. He does nothing. Does he really think that after all this time of nothing everything would be fixed with - 

I'm yanked into his arms as he pulls me close to his chest. My head rests on his chest, and I can breathe in his musky scent of gunpowder and the sea air drifting through me. He grew more muscle being out here on the sea. I'm completely encompassed by his broad arms. 

"I'm sorry, Sophia," he whispered into my ear. "I'm here, now."

Shoving my arms into the middle of his chest, I push away and take a few steps back. "Just show me where the clothes are, please,"

He nods and directs me to the lower levels to a hammock where knee high boots sit below, before he steps away telling me that someone will see me around after I'm dressed. I pull the hammock out a little to see a midriff corset, a white blouse, and brown trousers. Pulling off my clothes, I do a quick look around to see if anyone was here with me besides Seamus, but even he had left. Once I'm completely down to my small clothes I pull on the outfit one at a time, with the corset going on over the blouse, and the boots going on last over a new pair of socks. 

It's a bit large around the hips, and the trousers dip past my ankles; however, the outfit may just be the best that I'm going to get for the next few months. My old clothes are left a sopping wet mess on the floor by the pole holding one of the sides of the hammock. 

I just have to keep moving forward. 

I make my way out of the room feeling empowered and ready to take on the world.  Whatever challenges that come my way be damned.