Honestly I don't know how to feel anymore.
So much has happened.
It's different now.
I don't like different.
We are not good friends.
That's when the anxiety sets in.
That's when I want my momma.
That's when I wish daddy didn't have cancer.
Never think nothing will happen to you.
Because, we least expected it.
I was fucking scared.
I hated everything.
For a while, I blamed myself because I just moved out.
I felt, as if it was a mistake.
My health declined, I stayed depressed, I quit eating.
I started smoking pot.
To make things worse, I fought with my mom.
I started becoming distant to my boyfriend.
I started cutting again, from being clean for two years.
I felt dead inside, and on the outside?
I looked as if nothing was wrong.
I smiled my biggest smile.
My eyes shined a full light.
. . .
I can't help but want to cry out everytime I'm alone.
I can't, then I have to explain to my boyfriend.
I can't keep holding from him.
I won't hide from my mom.
I can't.
Deep down, I'm scared.
So fucking scared to love him.
So fucking scared to let go.
If I let go, then I lose myself.
If I lose myself, I lose everyone.
I can't.
I just CAN'T.
Sometimes days are better than others.
Some days, I won't get out of bed.
Some days, I just want to be held.
Most of all?
.
.
.
.
.
