R A N D O M N E S S

vent...

So, I started this 'Quarantine Log' at the end of last month. I record my daily life (it's not very interesting most of the time) and vent. I never expected anyone would read this, but I'm gonna post a vent I did last night...

Enjoy, I guess?

(Also, I copied this word-for-word, except for any personal info, and I'm sorry for any spelling mistakes :p)

Log date; 8/3/20:

10:23pm: I'm just, y'know, tryna hold on. Tryin' not to fall.

I feel like crying, almost everyday. Like, the smallest little mishap or something could trigger me somehow. Just writing this, listening to music, even just sitting and talking almost bring me to tears. They're threatening to fall, and I dunno how long I can keep this "happy/cheerful act" up. I'm not sure, but I feel like there's something wrong with me. Like, something mental. Is there really something wrong with me? I feel like I should vent to my friends, my parents, anyone, but I just... Don't wanna waste their time with MY problems. I know, I probably sound selfish on here alot, and I don't wanna be selfish. It's just... Something I can't control? Well, atleast I can vent here, and you're here to listen. Future me? Children? Just this phone? It doesn't matter, as long as someone (or something) can understand and hear/read this, I'll be content. Really, I feel like this might just be because I've been bottling up emotions and not talking to anyone about it, but... I'm still not sure. It'd be great to be emotionless, so I didn't have to feel anything, anything bad. The downside?

Well, She-Ra and The Owl House, Steven Universe, Deltarune, Undertale...

Everything...

They would all mean nothing. Entrapdak, my shows, my friends, music, family and pets, they are what keeps me going everyday. It would all be for nothing. I still wanna feel, but it's still a burden...

Phobias don't help at all...

I wish I didn't fear anything, that my fears and phobias would disappear and I wouldn't have to see or feel them everyday...

Sorry, I know this is long...

I'm glad atleast someone listens, tho...

I think this log was a good idea, thank Entrapta and Peridot X3

10:37pm: I wonder how much time I have left? Do you ever wonder what it would be like to feel everything?

Sometimes, I want to get certain/all diseases, illnesses (mental and/or physical)... Everything. I want to try it all, just to know how it feels. I don't want to die from them, I just want to know how it feels. I know, it probably sounds REALLY messed up for a kid my age, but it's true...

I wonder how my friends would react, it already weirds my family out...

10:48pm: I'm still seeing things. It's on and off, but...

It's freaking me out. I don't really like it, for many reasons. One of the main reasons it's bad, is it's making my eyes play tricks on me. Like, a spec of fuzz looks like it's moving, instantly making me jump away in fear that it's a bug...

It's okay, but for the most part I'm not a fan of it...

I don't feel safe because of it, at times...

That's all for now <3

Hope y'all enjoy this vent...

Like I said, I never thought I'd be sharing this with anyone, so...

Also, if I offended anyone, I'm really sorry <3

Luv u guys <3