Bye I guess... (Lashton One Shot)

Bye I guess...

Dear Luke,

Hey... If you're reading this now that means that I'm probably dead... I'm sorry, honestly and truly I am, I want to say I have some big grand reason as to why I did it but the honest truth is I don't... I don't even know why I'm sad, I mean I have you and Cal and Mikey, and I have all the fans but I just can't be happy. It's like the world hates me because no matter how hard I try to be happy for you and try to be okay I just can't. I can't seem to, eat because what's the point it's only keeping me alive, I can't sleep, I can't do anything...

I hope you know that I love you... I love the smile you get on your fave when you're meeting fans and the warm hugs you give, I love the way your eyes light up when you get excited, I just love everything about you. I especially love all the memories we have together, I'm thinking about them while I write this.

Like our first date, you took me to a lake. I remember how the lake shore in the pale glow of the moon, and how the starts shore bright above us almost mockingly. Everything felt like it could stop at any moment because how could something be this perfect?

I remember lying on the soft grass and spilling all our secrets to each other, you told me that you were a mama's boy, I found it cute. I told you that I hated telling secrets, you laughed and we stayed silent for a while, just enjoying each other's presences. It stayed like that until you told me you didn't like to be alone, I promised I would never leave you, I'm sorry I broke that promise.

After that we on date after date, but never were they as amazing as that one.

I remember our first big concert as 1D's opening act, I was so nervous. I remember the anxiety building up all day; I could feel the panic attack coming. You never left my side even though I insisted I was fine, you knew me too well. When the time finally came I was pacing back and forth in the dressing room trying to calm my nerves. You came up to me and pulled me into your lap, your fingers ran through my hair as you calmed me down; I remember that became my new favourite thing. You gave me a small kiss on the head before we went on stage; I remember we rocked that show.

I'm thinking about the first time we had sex, it was amazing. It was awkward at first, you kept asking me if it was okay, if you were hurting me, I giggled and kept saying I was perfectly fine and you were just being a worry bug. You told me it's better to worry then to be too rough.

The feeling of you inside me made me feel better than any drug in the world, I remember it was the moment I truly realized you were my missing puzzle piece. The next morning Mikey and Cal made fun of us to no end, but I didn't care, I was too far up in the clouds, I remember this was right before I started to get really bad again.

A few weeks after we did it I started to cut again, the hate was getting too much... I remember it only took you two weeks to notice, you had seen the sad eyes and noticed the long sleeves that I had suddenly started wearing again. I remember when you caught me doing it.

We had just arrived in America and you and the boys had said that you were going out, I told you I was tired and was going to sleep. The second I though you had left I did it again, but you had never left... I remember the tears that were running down your face when you found me, you asked me why I didn't come to you, I couldn't tell you why, I still can't... you asked me to promise never to do it again, I broke another promise...

After that day you watched me like a hawk, I leaned to hide them pretty fast.

I continued to get worst, slowly my smile faded to the point where even mustering one was a painful task, but what really broke me was telling management.

They got us beards. I remember how your beard was always on you, even when I was there. You told me you still loved me, but I slowly found it hard to believe, did you really love me or was it all an act? I remember this is when I started to get really, really bad.

After that I tried so hard to be perfect for you. Your beard was skinny so I'll just have to be skinnier... She was pretty so I'll have to start dressing nice... The list went on and on, but I was never enough for you...

My favourite memory is when you told the fans about us despite what management said...

It was during a concert, a fan had a sign that said, "Ashton needs to lay off Luke, he'll never love him!" You saw the sign and stopped singing, everyone in the stadium looked confused. I remember what you said, "I'm tired of you guys treating my boyfriend like shît, Aston is my whole world and I wouldn't give him up for anything, so stop hating when you don't even know who he really is!" Then you dragged me from my drum seat and kissed me in front of the entire crowd, out of all the times we've kissed that was my favourite. The crowed cheered and started chanting "LASHTON, LASHTON!" That was the last time I truly smiled, everything felt like it was going to be okay.

Oh boy I was wrong...

Management hated us; they couldn't have a fag in their band... You screamed at them for hours, I sat quietly in the corner... My little moment of happiness was gone...

After that I couldn't help the thoughts, I could help but stare at the hate every waking moment of the day, I was gone... I had stopped eating, couldn't sleep, everything just seemed to be slowly breaking in front of my eyes and I couldn't stop it.

I never told you but when my mom heard I was gay she told me never to spread it to her, Lauren or Harry again, I cried hard that night... I begged her to just let me talk to them one last time, by this time I made up my mind... I didn't want to live... She let me talk to them, I told them I'm sorry, I told them that I loved them and I wish it didn't have to end like this, I told them never to follow in my footsteps and to always tell someone when their feeling sad; everything I wish I would have done...

I remember that the clearest because it happened just a few short moments ago...

I know I should have called you but what's the point? Maybe I could get better, maybe everything could be okay again, but I don't want to go through years of therapy; I don't want to take millions of different pills to be the me I once was... The work is a cruel place Luke and I just don't think I was meant to survive it...

I'm sorry for every promise I broke, I'm sorry for the late nights that you spent talking me to sleep because my mind was swirling with thoughts a normal person shouldn't have...

I need you to promise me a few things.... Give Mikey and Calum the letter I left for them, find someone who's happy and makes you fell like you're a million and one! Don't be sad, I could never stand to see you sad, it made me feel like you're going to become like me...

And finally, Luke, never forget that I love you; I love you more than Michael love pizza, more than Calum love beanies and more than our fans love fanfiction... You where the sunshine in my life, the think that everyday got me out of bed in the morning, the thing that even though sometimes was annoying and just a down right bother you knew deep down you couldn't live without it. Oh and you're hot, like really hot...

Bye I guess...

Ashton

Luke's POV:

I stared at the lengthy letter in my hand, it's writing mocking me... He was gone... Ashton Irwin was gone...

YAY THAT'S OVER WITH! So I spent a long time on this and it's my first fanfic that I posted so tell me what you think, please be honest.

Sorry for any mistake wattpad decided not to work so I had to use my phone, EW! Which was annoying as hell because I had to completely rewrite it, God damn!

But yeah, vote, comment leave some feed back and I might post more 🙈🙊

~Nicole 😋