It's all the same. Things haven't changed. I cry myself to sleep till I can see the timid horizon. Then I daze off till there's nothing left of me. I wake up late. Around 3.pm. But I get out of bed around 5 pm. I stare at the door knob for about a minute, then I pull myself together. I cringe and squirrel then finally find my fake smile. And I'm at ease. I never really thought about anything more repugnant other then what I used to do. Carve words, make "art" in my skin with the most sharpest metal I found.
This used to be my simple escape, that is until I met you.
I figured by this time that I've lost too many people for me to just "forget."
So if my attachment to you becomes meaningful, it's most likely going to be hard for me to let go. I call this care. Synonyms; Love.
Although I say I love you do I really mean it?
They say once you fall in love, you'll know exactly what love is.
Is this love?
They also say before you can love someone else love yourself.
How do I love my self?
How can I when I blame every stupid event that happens on my life on myself.
This is all so confusing to me because if I do blame it on my self I'm considered crazy. And if I don't? I'm self prioritized. Which isn't bad but can be considered cocky but yet again, I'm not cocky. I never will be. I lower my self to a level where only I, myself can be brought up. Why don't I choose to? I have no clue.
But being with you changes all of that. Changes everything.
I feel important. I feel like I have a reason to stay on this planet. Like I have a reason. A reason... Exactly.
Your my reason. My beautiful wonderful reason.
You know how as a kid we had diaries. And wrote down every little event that happened to us?
Now that we're years older a diary is to immature for someone like us to use. And we only did that when we were younger.
Little did we know that some of us are searching diaries right now. Or maybe some if us already have a diary.
What I mean by diary is someone you can tell anything to. Some one to lock your little secrets away.
I love my diary. And if your reading this my "diary". You're the best thing that has and or could've possibly happened to me.
Now with having a diary may come some strings.
You can buy the one with the lock that only works for a while. Then just stops working and all your secrets have been brutally exposed.
You can buy the one that runs out of pages quickly and no longer can handle any of your secrets and the only option is to get a new one.
Or lastly, you can buy the one that has the cheapest paper and refuses to let you write any secrets on it. Too much to handle.
When finding diary's we never really have a warning or a image of what we want. More like acceptance. With every acceptance we learn lesson more like Simple experiences.
They may be the best or may be the worst. Either way, they both have a value. Sentimental perhaps.
I, personally think I found my perfect diary... Yes. It can be frustrating sometimes. Mostly because I like keeping secrets to myself. But expression is a big part in life. Followed by communication of course. But at the end of the key. To lock it and be sure it will stay locked... Is simply... Trust.
Trust your diaries. 💝
