The Winter Song

1 - Meeting

My lips shiver harshly.

My arms shake and rattle, no longer in my control.

My legs feel thin and clear, and the wind feels like it's blowing right through them.

It's fucking freezing.

The winter offers no comfort as I continue to stand still. Almost unbearably  uncomfortably stiff and cold.

Waiting.

But she doesn't come.

The hidden girl with the bright amber hair, pale white freckled skin and her delightful smile.

I sigh loudly as I walk back, I had honestly thought she would show up today.

I feel desperately miserable as I walk, I'm failing Catco.

Once every two weeks, just for me to make sure she's alive. Apparently she's decided to not listen to our agreement, which was against the rules itself. But she insisted, the little brat.

I have yet to see her this year. It's been almost two months now and the check in deadline is tomorrow.

And she swore she would see me soon, promised even in her depressingly hopeful sounding letters, but in my gut I can feel she isn't going to come, not now.

Not ever.

My lips shake in the cold, and soon I'm cold and angry.

Why can't she even show up! Or even merely peak her precious head out of those clouds and perhaps even give a little wave for the sole purpose of me knowing she's alive! Where the hell is that girl?

My legs feel heavier as I stomp inside the large building I live in with many others that we call house, dumping snow off my boots onto an ugly patterned rug. I untie my boots and rip my socks off with them, setting them neatly by the wall. I walk calmly toward the hallway that leads me to The Empire headquarters instead of the dorms.

I have always thought of The Empire to be a calming place, it's dreary dark walls reminding you of simple nothingness.

But today it feels different, the dark walls feel closer and the blankness of them frightens me.

There are no windows, and the ceiling lights are perfect rectangles. The walk is downwards, because it would be impractical  to have stairs here, going underground to the headquarters.

The atmosphere is cold and words begin to echo in my head. Quickly escalating into the worst.

I've lost her.

She's gone.

It's all my fault.

Then it repeats.

Each step I take seems to get heavier. My feet are bare yet it feels like there's weights pasted to my nakedly exposed flesh.  My skin feels itchy and heavy and I want it to stop.

And it repeats.

I've lost her.

My feet start to feel like they're dragging themselves, like a brutal force field, pushing and pushing. My stomach is swirling in multiple twisted circles as I get closer to my destination. It makes me clench my hands into tight fists.

She's gone. 

How am I ever going to explain myself?

I lost her.