Song-Inspired Stories

Wish you were gay by Billie Eilish

  I had always had a crush on my first best friend. She was very dear to me, and even if we had arguments, we never split. We were both too young to know our sexualities, but I saw her as more than a friend for most of our childhood.

  As we grew older, I realized that liking girls wasn't always accepted. It wasn't accepted in my school, not much. I developed a "crush", if you could call it that, on two of the popular boys. It wasn't love. It was admiration and idolization.

    I wanted to be like them. Swooned over by dozens of girls. I tried hanging out with them. Only one of the two accepted my friendship. His name was C. The other boy was A. C was nice and kind. A was a jerk who toyed with girls' emotions. I learned that the hard way.

  A had found out about my little "crush" on him, and decided to do something about it. He crushed my dreams, saying no one would want to be friends with me. C stood up for me, as well as my best friend.

  We became a trio, but it was painful for me. It hurt to be near the both of them. Because I envied how he got her to fall for him. Though, he fell for me.

  We started dating, though his style of dating... wasn't the best. I felt like an object, a balloon that was slowly losing the helium inside. He dragged me wherever he went, not because he wanted to, but because I couldn't bare the thought of being alone.

   My best friend became distant when C and I began to be in a relationship. She found some new people, but promised to stay with me as my best friend.

  After a few months of being stuck in a loveless loop, I had enough. I finally decided to talk to him during lunch, but I was pulled away and cornered by my best friend's other friends.

  One slapped me, leaving a bruising mark on my cheek. Another kicked my shin. The third, she didn't want to be there.

  I was already crying and bruised from their assault, and C had noticed I wasn't there for lunch yet.

  He went out to look for me, and found me cornered by the girls. He saved me from them, taking me to the nurses office. After the day had ended, arguments with vice principals and all, I sat in the band teacher's classroom.

   He let me relax in there while I waiting for my siblings to come pick me up. Today he noticed something was off. He grabbed a small guitar case and walked over to me as I sat on the back part of the stage that was separated by a curtain into his room.

  He taught me how to play ukulele. He taught me songs and melodies, notes and rhymes to remember them. I thanked him every day. I began to get ready to sing a song for Choice Day, a day that our band teacher hosted for the whole school.

  I chose a specific song, it could be meant for double meanings if wanted to be viewed that way. The day arrived, I sat on a small stool in the middle of the stage. I held a scarlet and tan ukulele in hand, one my parents had bought for me.

   I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and began to play. The crowd stood silent, listening to the slow and sweet sounding melody.

  Most teachers knew that kids these age would be questioning their sexuality. Some chose to ignore that fact. I began to sing, nervous and slow at first. But I gained courage as I saw the two people who this song is directed at.

  Thoughts danced through my head as I sang. All the times C had promised to go out with me, but left me alone while he ran off with friends, then didn't even apologize afterward. All the times I'd wanted to kiss my best friend, though she was straight.

    All the times I wished that C wasn't straight so he could justify his absence in a relationship, that i didn't have love in, though I honestly gave it my all to keep it up. For his sake.

  I finished the song, tears now streaming down my face. My eyes had been closed the whole time. I strummed the last few notes, and opened my eyes.

  Applause filled the theater, some teachers scoffing at my choice of song. The band teacher was ecstatic. He had recorded the whole thing so I can save it.

  He walked out on stage, and helped me walk behind the curtains as the applause died down. The next person came out to perform, but I couldn't hear them.

  I was having a panic attack. The band teacher tried his best to calm me down, but had to call in one of the school therapists to help me. They didn't get there in time.

  Someone else did though. Someone in the crowd, who knew me well. They weren't my best friend, or my absent boyfriend. They were a friend I had made over the internet who decided to surprise me by coming to my performance.

  I was pulled into a hug and asked to breath with them. I slowly began to follow their orders, relaxing into their sweater.

  It was only when I relaxed, did I recognize their voice.

  "D-dom!?" I exclaimed, pulling away and looking up at the person who held me. They were only a year or two older than me, but acted younger than me often. I thought it was cute.

  They didn't know their gender yet, and so they just went with the name Dom, for Dominic or Dominique.

  They smiled at me, and I smiled back as I hugged them tightly. This was our first face to face meeting. And it was now very special.

  After the show had ended, my best friend and boyfriend were finally allowed backstage to see me. I was fast asleep, cuddled up in Dom's arms as they sat on the stairs leading up to the sound booth.

  The two of them stopped in their tracks at the glare Dom gave them.

  "I'm going to guess, you are K and C? Ez here has been crushing on you for as long as they can remember, and only dated you so you could be happy. He sacrificed so much for you both to be happy."
  
  "He? Grace is a sh-" K was cut off by Dom.

  "He's trans. He didn't feel good as a girl anymore, and being a guy made him feel safe. He also thought that if he were a boy, you'd like him." Dom responded, earning a scoff from C.

  "Whatever, being gay and trans is weird anyway." C left. I was awake by then. I heard it. All of it.

  I gripped the sweater I leaned against slightly, making Dom look down at me for a moment to make sure I'm still asleep.

  "I didn't know... I should've realized. I mean, I noticed that whenever us three were together, Sh-He.. he.. always looked at me weird.."
  
  K apologized for everything, and was still my friend. Since my crush for her had dwindled because of the unrequited love I'd had for years.

  I felt alone, even in someone's arms. I began to cry a bit. K rushed over to hug me and help calm me. Dom let her.

  She knew I was awake by then, and whispered something in my ear.

  "I'm sorry, Ez. But I think you have someone here who'll care for you even better than I ever could." She said, pulling away and gently pushing me back to cuddling with Dom.

  I smiled softly at her and clung to the genderqueer person. They whispered something as K walked away.

  "I wish you were gay, so I could date you..." They thought it wasn't loud enough to hear. I kissed their nose gently, earning a surprised noise from them.

  We had a cute happily ever after.