this is me trying

this is me trying 1/3

A request from the wonderful Jusheto.

They told me all of my cages were mental
So I got wasted like all my potential
And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad
I have a lot of regrets about that
I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere

It was total naivety on her part to believe she wasn't eventually going to run into him during awards season. He'd made himself into a revered director in the two years since she had last spoken to him and if she could've swallowed her severely wounded pride for just a minute, she would've admitted she was fiercely proud of him and all that he had achieved.

She'd always believed in him.

It had been two entire trips around the sun and a silly argument that wasn't really an argument, more like an impasse; hurt feelings, bruised egos, refusal to meet halfway. It was difficult to comprehend that someone who had been such a vital part of her life decided to step out of completely because they couldn't come to the same conclusion. It was heartbreaking and depressing and it had taken her quite a passage of time to get over it, to finally stop feeling so bitter and angry.

Now, she was attending The Critics Choice awards, nominated for a role in a film she was extremely proud of, directed by a man she deeply respected. Leo wasn't him, didn't have the exact scope or passion but he was gentle and honest and the entire experience had filled the creative void in her that had been missing, one that had not been fully satiated since A Star is Born.

But the pride, the impending excitement of the nomination was nearly overshadowed by three factors. The first was the sad acknowledgent she had no partner to share it with. She and Michael had amicably ended things a year prior and there were some casual dalliances since but no one serious. Normally, it wouldn't have bothered her, if not for the other elements complicating matters.

The second was the memory of a very different award season; one where she had walked hand in hand with someone she loved, basking in every single step of the journey as a united front.

The last dark shadow was one that she could tell herself until the breath had left her body that she was fully prepared for. That it was a given she'd see him, a given that he would probably say hello at very least, and the mere thought of being caught in those endless eyes again, being pierced by them, it was enough to tell her agent, her publicist, Bobby, anyone who would listen, fuck it, she wasn't going.

But she hated to disappoint and the dress was already custom made, hair and make-up design decided, and she was taking Bobby as her date. She would go, and her trepidation would simply have to take a backseat.

Bobby was unflappable and he encouraged her to keep a cool head about the whole thing as they got ready that day.

"Say hi and then keep going. You know if you snub him, everyone will be talking," he suggested reasonably, lounging on the spacious hotel bed as Freddie worked his magic.

"Everyone's gonna be talking anyway, Bob, we both know that." Sighing, she lifted her eyes skyward. "How do you weigh in, babe?"

"This'll just be the first of many times you're going to be in the same room together," Freddie replied in the quiet, unassuming manner he had. "His film is nominated for a bunch of stuff, too. I don't think avoiding him is the answer."

Logistically, he was correct, there was no real way to avoid one another without drawing attention, so she could only shrug, play it off. "Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later, right?"

The fact that every person in her life had expressed concern that she'd be in an enclosed space with him after managing to avoid seeing him for so long was making her uneasy and she scrolled through her phone, muttering under her breath.