this is me trying

this is me trying 3/3

I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere
Fell behind all my classmates and I ended up here
Pouring out my heart to a stranger
But I didn't pour the whiskey

Hyperfocus was the name of the game while she was performing and under normal circumstances, distractions pissed her off. They had no place in the zone of self-discipline and since she was leading her dancers, the crew, the band, her team, if she wasn't one-hundred percent in it, it would be grossly unfair to them.

With this in mind, as she went through the usual backstage rituals and warm-ups, the usual organized chaos surrounding her, the usual excitement that arose right before a set, Stefani could feel the fog sinking into her brain, the tension eating away at her. Try as she might to will it away, to chase it away, with physicality, with prayer, distraction, there it was and there it remained.

For his part, Bobby tried his best to convince her that she could rescind her invitation to Bradley and Lauren at anytime. He'd been privy to her mini meltdown when she'd recounted Monday's events over drinks at his house. A bottle of wine and a good cry later, he gave her his opinion that the whole thing was just on course to upset her again, years after she had finally moved on.

But that's exactly the issue, she had wanted to say to him, moving on is subjective.

When he realized she wasn't going to take back her offer, he sighed and changed tactics, offering to facilitate everything painlessly so that she didn't have to think about it.

"I'll bring them to come say hello afterwards and that's it," he promised, running a hand over his head anxiously as she sat while Sarah finished up her make-up. "You don't have to worry about anything."

"I'm fine," she told him unconvincingly. She sipped bottled water from a straw, trying her to best to sound unaffected. "Is my family here yet?"

She saw the looked that passed between him and Sarah but Bobby nodded quickly, plastering on a thick smile. "Ashley has them. Want me to go get em'?"

Having her parents and Natali at shows had always brought her comfort, had eased her mind since the very beginning but she knew tonight was a mixed bag. Knowing Bradley would be in attendance with his fiance had garnered various reactions.

Cynthia, who had rooted for them, was immediately attune to her discomfort, though she still had a soft spot for Bradley. Joe, on the other hand, couldn't believe she had invited him and that he was going to have the audacity to show up with another woman. At thirty-five, she thought she would be spared his endless lectures but she'd assumed incorrectly.

Natali was probably the most diplomatic of them all. She liked Bradley, always had and since she was well-versed on what their break-up had entailed, she knew fully well there was no blame to place. But she also understood the encounter at Critics Choice had put her between a rock and a hard place and she'd panicked.

Before getting into costume, she managed to sneak a moment for herself, leaving her parents chatting with Brian and retreating to a barren area of backstage.

For a few minutes, she just sat; allowing her breath to ebb and flow, willing herself to focus only on the impending show, on her set.

"Hey."

Natali settled quietly next to her on the ground, crossing her ankles over one another. "This place never fails to amaze me. It's really fucking cool."

The awe in her sister's voice made her smile. "That's a pretty accurate description."

Unlike other people, Natali didn't need to ask if she was doing okay. She reached out to squeeze her shoulder.