Unexpected Wedding

Petrichor

Petrichor(english)- n. The smell of earth after rain.
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I open my eyes up. I don't feel good.

I feel pain.

Pain spreads all over my chest.

My breathing starts to be some short.

My body feels shaky.

Tears start to peer out of my eyes.

It starts to feel hot. It feels as if my body was burning with lava from the inside out.

There's a huge lump in my throat.

I know this feeling. I've felt it hundred of times over and over.

Depression. Panic attacks. Anxiety.

It all feels too familiar. But why.

I hate how it comes in waves. Some days the pain is there and others.... I forget what it even feels like, to feel that time stopping feeling. That feeling as if you were just shot in the heart. But there's no explanation to why you were shot.

My heart feels like it dropped to the bottom of my stomach. And as it fell it shattered into billions of pieces.

I haven't been professionally been diagnosed with any of these things but I've suffered from them for as long as I can remember. It started out as anxiety and then led to panic attacks until I hit depression. My parents don't understand what it's like. They just tell me I shouldn't feel this way, I have loving parents, friends, a roof over my head, food to eat, and clothes on my back. I don't even understand why I feel this way, but there's a hole in my heart I feel like there's a part of myself that's lost.... missing. And I can't find it.

I get out of bed with the remaining of my strength and I go into the bathroom and lock the door. I'm too scared to look at my reflection in the mirror. I know what'll happen. I grab my tooth brush and tooth paste without looking at the mirror. I start to brush my teeth and when I'm finished I rinse my mouth.

I look down at my hands.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

Don't cry.

Don't fucking cry.

You aren't a pussy.

Your mother raised you to be strong so act like it.

You can cry later at night. But not now, everyone will ask you why have you been crying.

I feel my lip start to quiver and a tear rolls down my cheek.

I close my eyes take a deep breath and open my eyes again. I walk back to my bed.

I hear my phone ring. It's Vince.

"Hey what's up Vince." I say out loud. "Hey I'm good, how are you feeling?" He asked me. "I feel so much better." My heart broke a little more. "Well that's good. Hey I had to leave for a few days. My dad wants me to check out some company in Washington. Is that okay with you?" He asks. "Of course it is, have some fun while you're there." I'm kinda glad he won't be here today. I don't have to leave my room. I can stay in here all day. "Great I see you as soon as I can. I love you." His voice is so sweet. "I love you too." The call ends.