Courage Under Duress (SYTYCW)

Chapter 19

Fulfilling my promise to Thomas and agreeing to speak with a professional about my ordeals had delayed my release from hospital.  Thomas had wanted an all-clear by my psychologist with regards to being fit for release.  He wanted to know that my ambition of putting myself in harm's way wasn't a kneejerk reaction to my latest trauma.

By lunchtime, I realized that something wasn't right.  Thomas hadn't left my side except for our lunch errand.  "Can I ask you something?"  I set my sub down and wiped at my mouth with the paper napkin.

"Sure."

"Why aren't you at work?  I thought you were going back today."

"I took leave for an undetermined amount of time," he said.

I don't know what it was about his words but something in the way he spoke told me that there was more to it.  "So you'll be around for another week or two?"

"Or longer."

"But-"

He lifted his hand to cut me off.  "I know I don't need to but I want to.  And it's not entirely my decision either."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."  I jumped at his sharp tone.

"Okay," I said.

"I'm sorry, Erica," he said and laid a hand over mine.  "We can talk about it, just not right now.  Can we concentrate on you?"

As much as I wanted to push for answers, I knew when to let those proverbial sleeping dogs lie.  Truth be told, I wasn't in a rush to have Thomas leave my side.

Wednesday was a tough day for me.  I had my first meeting with my psychologist and I didn't know what to make of it all.  My relief was instantaneous when a middle-aged brunette walked in that morning.

Marlene Noteworthy presented her hand to me which I shook with a bit of reluctance.  "I'm the counselor assigned to your case as per your husband's request."

"My husband?" I asked.  "My husband is who landed me here.  I doubt that he-"

"Erica," Thomas began, "we admitted you under an assumed name.  Because we were worried that Dominic might come back, the police thought it smart that everything that required your name was under an alias.  I used my mother's maiden name for both of us."

"So..." my voice trailed off and I eyed a blushing Thomas who nodded in answer to my silent question.  "Okay then.  So when do we start?"

"We start whenever you're ready," Marlene said.  "I'd prefer if this session was just you and I if that's alright."  I hesitated but a look and a squeeze of reassurance from Thomas helped me nod my head.

"I'll be right out there if you need me."  He got up and kissed my forehead.

I worked with Marlene every day for three hours.  By the end of the second day, she was quick to reassure me of the progress I was making despite my doubts.

By our fourth session, I was irritated that I was still in the hospital, thinking that I would have been released by then with her recommendation.  I was desperate to enjoy a full weekend at the ranch with the horses grazing in the field and feel the wind through my hair.  It was Saturday, nearing noon and I had yet to see any paperwork.

When Marlene walked in, I knew that our fourth session would be tougher than the others.  I just hadn't expected to be blamed for my abuse.

I was fuming.

How dare she say that I deserved it!

"Marlene, with all due respect, I've never asked to be hit!  I've never asked to be belittled!  I've never asked for my unborn child to be beaten to death which resulted in my miscarriage and inability to bear children.  I've done all that I could possibly do.  I loved the man thinking that it would be enough.  I convinced myself that we could have gotten through anything.  I did everything, everything that man had ever asked of me!"  My rant went on and on.  As I kept going, my voice grew louder and my rage bordered on out of control.  I was shocked no one had come barging into my room, especially Thomas.

I don't know what possessed the woman to accuse me for allowing myself to land in my predicament but I wasn't going to take it lying down.  I would prove to her that it had been no one's fault but Dominic's.

After a long moment of silence, I crossed my arms at my chest and allowed myself to lean back into my pillows.  I was livid but I had run out of words.  If I were a violent person, I would have thrown the water pitcher that sat beside me straight at her head or throttled the woman.

"Erica," she began.

"I think we're done here," I said but she interrupted my attempt at calling out for Thomas to come back.

"We're not done," she said with her trademark calmness.

"I'm the client here and I'll say when we're done!"

"I'm relieved that you're capable of such anger, Erica.  It's what I wanted to see."  I looked at her bewildered.

What the fuck is this woman talking about?

"You see," she began, "you've been blaming yourself for your mistreatment this whole time we've been talking.  I knew you didn't believe that you were to blame.  Then again, you weren't able to verbalize it and it's what I was aiming for.  You still shoulder the blame, if not entirely, then a partial amount of it for those who've been brought into this, am I right?"

I nodded.  "So what?"  I asked her, "Am I supposed to not care?"

"Well, I wanted you to come out and voice how you felt.  You're a stubborn woman when you want to be, Erica.  Unfortunately, that stubbornness has cost you a lot of pain with regards to your husband and marriage.  Playing a mind game sometimes helps get patients to see more clearly.  You can't work past anything if you're unwilling to acknowledge that none of it was your fault.  You need to be able to speak it as well as believe it with every fibre of your being.  Doing so, you'll be able to move forward."

"You mean like reverse psychology?"

"Something like that."  She smiled.  "I'd apologize for pushing you so much but I wouldn't be honest with you or myself.  You had a breakthrough today, you should be proud.  I would like to keep working with you but I will leave it to you or Thomas to contact me."

"What do you mean contact you?"

"You're being released today, didn't anyone tell you?"  I shook my head and the leftover rage I felt, dissipated.

My own bed.  Great food.  Thomas.

I blushed at the last thought.

"What's that all about?" Marlene asked and smiled.

"Just thinking."  My smile turned into a grin.

"About Thomas?"

"Perhaps."

"I want you to be careful with that, Erica," the woman advised.  "With that said, I also believe in doing what feels right.  I've watched the two of you.  You really do have a wonderful support system going.  I also think that it might be time to bring him into our sessions as well so that he has a clear concept of what we're working on, the progress you've made and so on.  Then again, that's if you choose to keep working with me after you leave here today."

"Thank you, Marlene."  I shook her hand.  "How does Monday at nine sound?" I asked.