The Turning Point

He said I'm Diffident

It's true that nothing lasts forever. The things we want to lasts forever are the things which ends earlier. Sometimes I do laugh at myself for being such a dumbass who didn't even realised that I was missing on real things while focusing on shits. Literally when I think of my school days a pain grasps my heart slowly. How everything used to be so good and look at now simply fucked up.

Back then there was my 4 close friends named; Ashi,Umma,Sachel and Nova. When I left Cliff Valley School we four got separated which wasn't meant to be .Umma shifted to another country for her further studies. At that same time me and my bestfriend who is a boy, we got admitted to a new school named Hardinge International School. But Nova left the school before all of us. She didn't even inform us that she was about to leave the school. We got to know it later on. While Ashi started doing her private classes in another institution. Actually she was too obsessed with her so called boyfriend. That she even stopped communicating with all of us. Most importantly Sachel was my bestfriends girlfriend.

I still remember when I used to be so bossy though I still am. These random memories are really heart breaking. I miss old days when I used to hangout with my buddies. And now I barely talk with people's. Because what my bestfriend did to me was beyond my imagination. He literally insulted me infront of the whole class just to degrade me. I really felt ashamed of myself for considering him as my bestfriend because he was not worth it. He eventually forgot about the days when I supported him when no one was there. From helping him to pass exams to making him friends with others,he literally just forgot everything because of this girl who was once my bestfriend. I knew she was always jealous of me. How can I even forget being ignored by my bestfriend and seeing him getting closed to the people's whom i don't like.

On the other hand,my boyfriend pressurized me to distant myself from my bestfriend. Because he don't want me to be friends with a boy. Such a narrow minded mentality he had. He just mentally pressurised me to end my friendship so he said and I did.
At that time,I thought it was the best decision to save my relationship. As my friendship was already ruined by Sachel.
So I choose my relationship over friendship and I don't penitent it.

Although it's not like that I'm too much close with my boyfriend. That's because I don't like clingyness. I feel awkward doing boyfriend girlfriend stuffs. I rarely talk with rauf in phone calls. It feels like these cute things can easily distract me from my studies and my goals. I'm an ambitious person as well as lazy too. The Laziest hardworking person that I know is definitely me.
Anyway,Rauf was a good person but not the person I want in real. I went on several dates with him but it ain't felt great. Everytime, I sat in the opposite side so I can face him from front.I don't like touchy people though fortunately he was not touchy at all. We always maintained distance that normal couples don't do. Most probably three or four times I touched his hand by myself. Though the last time I went out with him was one of my best experiences that I ever felt. It was a bike ride. It was just me and him.

Classes were going good but something felt different totally different. Is it just me or everything?
I reckon love in first sight. But atleast not with him I guess. I used to feel disgusted by the thoughts that how can a student and teacher can fall in love with eachother.
Days goes by and my feelings for rauf started to fade. My attention for him was decreasing as well as giving him time too. Most of the time I used to chat with Rauf. I personally don't like talking in phone calls unless it's bitching about others with my favourite cousin who is basically two years older than me. I used to ignore phone calls with him because I'm an only child of my parents so that mean they used to keep their eyes on me; though I also don't want to upset them doing something bad which might hurt them. So,keeping distance was the most appropriate thing which i could ever follow.

Losing interest ain't easy at all. As I'm really focused about my studies and stuff so no one can changed my perspective. Rauf used to say he don't want someone as his life partner who wants to occupied herself into a job or business. This is something which makes me go numb and dumb at the same time like how can I be with someone who don't want me to dream big. He just proclaimed that he wants me to be a typical housewife in the future if I wants to be with him. Like eww choosing profession is my stuff not obviously his. This was his first step which has just pushed me in the edge to think of leaving him.

Here we go again with Mr.Mufazal who had just told my mom that I don't ask him questions regarding any topics. Whether I'm facing any problem or not atleast I should let him know, this is what he complained about me to my mom. He said "That she's diffident". This is not how things works. You have to speak up and make friends rather than being a farouche. Learn how to share things and feelings with others.

Deep down I only know why I have turned into a stone. It was not an easy journey to transforming myself into a stone from sand.

“In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different.” -Coco Chanel

Hope you guys will enjoy reading this chapter.
*Pardon me for the mistakes.And keep supporting*