Dear journal,
It's been almost a year since I last wrote in here. I kinda forgot why I stopped, all i remember is having to move away with my dad.
I'm currently in California about to leave for New Jersey, to move in with my cousin and aunt.
It was the only choice since living with my alcoholic of a mother and psychopath of a dad wasn't working for me.
It was probably the worst experience ever if you ask me. Those mother fuckers made me suffer depression, anxiety, and my nerves were easily disturbed.
I would flinch every five seconds, wether you'll sneak up on me, try to hug me, offer me something, it really didn't matter.
And because of that I was bullied in school. People called me disgusting names. Physically hurt me while no one was in sight, and just the thought of it hurts ME.
I would even hurt myself Majority of the time because I felt the need to. I thought it helped me escape.
I would sit in class after getting picked on and the only thing going through my head were the horrible things I could do to my body.
Seeing blood slowly drop from my wrist, every time I cut made me feel happy. I felt relieved although it didn't help much when it came to others.
I would tell myself "each cut, one less problem" but it never seemed to help. I've attempted suicide a few times, but it didn't work.
I always thought it was because something was holding me back, but when I talked to a counselor they always told me it was god waiting for the right moment to give me what I always wanted..... and that was happiness.
I don't know how to love. I don't know how to care, and I most definitely don't know how to be happy. (stream be happy by Dixie✨😌)
I've tried, trust me I have but I just can't learn how to. I have a soft spot in my heart of course that prevents me from making worse mistakes. But I don't show it, I feel ashamed.
I'm just a cold, fat, worthless 16 year old who's parents abandoned for the love that was meant for something that wasn't their only daughter.
I'm Morissa once again, and i hate it here.
- MORISSA SANCHEZ
