ruin | guy germaine

fifty four

laney mckinley
fifty four;

   I walked into the waiting room with my head hung love, I mean low. My head hung low. My mind was a broken record. I didn't know how to feel. I was just glad Guy was awake and that he was okay.

   I had lost Ryan in the process of our journey to the waiting room. I was sure he had gotten distracted by the nursery. He had the biggest heart when it came to kids.

   When I entered the waiting room I lifted my head and my spirits. I forced a smile on my face but I grew shocked when I looked around the room. The room was packed with people! Our teammates, mine and Connor's friends, my grandparents, aunt and uncle, even people that I always spotted in the crowd at our games. Everyone stared at me waiting for an answer, but I was mute. All the attention was on me and I hated it.

   I spotted Goldberg sitting the closest to me in one of the chairs. I pointed my finger at him shyly and motioned for him to come up to me. He obeyed respectfully. I leaned close to his ear when he got to me.

   "Can you tell them for me?" I whispered to him. He nodded his head, "I'm just a little shy," I said full of embarrassment. I saw the boy smile. He nodded his head once more. "He's awake and seems to be alright. He has a torn ACL and will be out of the game for awhile, and will have to get surgery and such in the future. He has some damage to his neck as well, but he's going to be okay." I backed away from the boy. He was unsure of how to react by the news, but he forced a smile on his face. He turned to the crowded waiting room where people still waited for answers. "I'm gonna go grab something from my journey and get some air. Thank you, Goldberg."

I made it to my snow covered vehicle in peace. I was quick to shut the door behind me and let out a heavy breath I hadn't realize I was holding in. I looked down at my lap and began to fumble with my hands.

He said he loved me. Just like the night he was drunk. I guess when you're drunk, you speak the truth, you say what you're too scared to say when you're sober. But did he really love me? Could someone actually love me? I didn't even know what love meant myself.

   The door to my vehicle suddenly opened. I became alert and tensed. I glanced over only to see Adam taking a seat beside me, shutting the door behind him leaving us in the cold air. I reach forwards and turned the journey on so we could have some sort of heat. I then looked back over at him.

   "Uh... hi?" I said in a questioning tone. He sent me a cheesy smile.

   "Something happened back there in his room, didn't it?" He asked cutting right to the point. I sighed. I gazed down at my hands sitting on the steering wheel. "Between the two of you."

   I bit my lip nervously. I trusted Adam. I told him everything. He knew more about me than I knew about myself. I sighed once more.

   "He said he loves me," I vainly spoke. I turned my gaze back to Adam. He rose his eyebrows.

   "Yeah, and? You don't?" He asked. I quickly shook my head, but then I stopped. I looked back down.

  "Adam, I don't know how to feel. I don't know what love is. I never had a relationship like this before. Sure I said I love you to Brady and Gaven but what I had with them wasn't love. I don't know what a real love is," I vented. I closed my eyes. I wanted to cry, but I knew I couldn't. I hated crying.

   "What do you think love is?" Adam questioned. I shrugged my shoulders.

   "Literally, I don't know," I sadly spoke. I then realized how rude I was being. I felt terrible. I quickly apologized. "I'm sorry, Adam, it's just..., I don't know."

   "Laney you're under a lot of stress right now, don't apologize," he said. I sent him the weakest smile. He was so sweet. "I'll tell you what I think love is." He said. I leaned back in my seat, looking at him intrigued. I wish I knew. "I think love is when two people care so much about each other, if anything had ever happened between them, the entire world would stop. However, somehow, they'd find their way back to each other because it's something that's meant to be. Two people that love each other would do anything for one another, I believe, even if it would hurt the other. I think love is sharing a song together, that every time it comes on the radio, you think of each other. Every time you're together, you listen to it. It describes the relationship in a way, ya know? For me, love is the most secure feeling. Love is having a companion, best friend, lover, partner, sounding board, cheerleader, advisor, and cuddle buddy through every avenue in the journey of life. Love is a sentiment not able to be characterized by words. When you're with the person you love, you feel as if nothing else really matters, like the problems you have aren't even problems and don't even exist." The boy suddenly stopped. He looked over at me anxiously. "Hey, Lanes, can I tell you something?" He asked me. I nodded my head. "You can yell at me if you want, but I just want you to listen."

  I nodded my head again, "I'm listening. I'm here and I'm listening," I responded. The boy paused like he was trying to collect the words he wanted to say.

   "Ruin. That's yours and Guy's song. Every time you hear that song, you think of him, don't you?" He asked. He was right. He knew it too. "And when you two had the fight, and broke up, the whole world seemed to stop. Everything was different. But the feelings were still there. Everyone tried to get the two of you back together. And he fought like hell to get you back. And to me, that's what love is. That night on the porch, from what I've heard, you stayed at his side, you were calm, you made sure he was okay, even if you were mad at him. Laney, that's what love is. The way you talk about him, look at him, how the two of you play fight in the halls all the time and get in trouble together and all of the cute shit you two do, that's love. Especially when he was laying on the ice in his own world, hardly conscious. His pain was your pain. And that because you love him, and he loves you too."

   I wiped away the tears I didn't know were falling from my eyes. Why'd he always have to be right about everything? I suddenly wrapped Adam into a tight hug and cried on his shoulder. He rubbed his hand up and down my back to get me to calm down.

  "Thank you," I choked out, "thank you for everything."