A Billion More Stars

Chapter 1

Therapy. It sounds great, it really does. That is until I realize I'm paying for an hour session to spout out my fears and insecurities to a stranger. My therapist in Salt Lake was more of a family friend, someone who would let me be completely mute sometimes, and talk her ear off other times. This was just new, and scary as hell.

Ricky's dragging me towards the door of the therapist's office, trying his best not to find my resistance amusing. He gives up after a moment. "Babe, this was something you wanted, remember?" Ricky asks me as I purposely make myself heavier to pull along. I huff and give him a look. "Yes but I just realized I'm going to be in a stranger's office and that's completely not my thing." I reason and Ricky laughs, pressing a small kiss to my temple. "You're looking at it completely wrong Nins. You're going to be in an office with someone who wants to help you." He whispers and he pulls me close by the hips, loosening his arms around me so that I don't feel like I'm trapped. "I know." I finally say and he grins, swaying my body. "So are you ready?" I sigh and give him a nod, intertwining our fingers together and taking the lead, walking through the therapists office. "That's my girl."

"No, I'm not nervous." I respond shyly to my new therapist as I sit down on her couch. "I don't have to lay down right?" I gesture to the big furniture and the woman laughs, shaking her head kindly. "Not unless you want to Nini. This is kinda like, your own situation. You can do whatever you want." She says sweetly and I decide not to vocalize the fact that I can do whatever I want except for what I really want to do, which is leave. I need this though, because Ricky can't be my therapist and my mind isn't strong enough to fend for itself. "Thank you." I say politely and she nods. "So I'm Dr. Jen, but please just call me Jen, sweetheart. I want you to be as comfortable as possible." I thank her again and rub my palms against my pants. This wasn't too bad. "So we can go ahead and get started whenever you're ready. You can tell me as much or as little as you'd like. You can even talk about why you're here in the first place if you don't want to go into your whole back story." I play with my hands as I listen to her introduction. "I'm here because I had a rough past relationship." I admit and she nods, waiting for me to continue. "We were toxic and he took everything out of me. I'm with someone new now, and he's great. I just have a lot of anxiety about being with him still." Jen nods and writes something down. "Your anxiety is regarding your new partner or your old partner?" I meet her eyes. "My new partner." She nods again and makes another note. "It's just, so much could go wrong. He could turn into my ex... I can turn him into my ex. He could get sick of the person I am, my fears can get in the way... there's so many ways I can destroy this relationship. And I want more than anything to hold onto it with everything I am but that's what happened to me with my ex, he did that to me. And I left. I ran for the damn hills." I shrug and take a shaky breath. "The constant chokehold he had on me, I was so fortunate to get away from that. But I'm scared I could do the same to Ricky." I trail off and Jen nods. "Ricky's your new partner, correct?" I nod and Jen gives me a small smile. "I think there's a lot I can help you with. Let's start alright?" I breathe out a sigh of relief. This wasn't bad at all, this is what I needed.

"How did it go?" Ricky's soft voice cuts through my thoughts as we leave the therapist's office hand and hand. I smile, shielding my eyes slightly from the sun. "It was good, I had an anxiety attack." Horror takes over Ricky's features and I squeeze his hand. "No it's totally okay. It's part of the process." I laugh as I repeat Dr. Jen's words and Ricky gives me an incredibly weak smile, like he's trying to pretend he sees the good in the anxiety attack as I do. "Okay." He says and he picks up my hand, pressing a kiss to my skin. "I was thinking about going to the music store to grab some new guitar strings for first semester. Wanna come? Since you're coming to school with me?" Ricky grins proudly and I can feel myself light up considerably. I was going to the Los Angeles College of Music with my boyfriend. "That sounds great." I try not to let too much excitement seep through the simple words but Ricky can tell, he can always tell. "You're adorable." He laughs loudly, pulling me so that he can wrap his entire arm around my shoulders. "And all mine... well... almost mine. The Los Angeles music industry is also gonna have a pretty tight hold on you." I giggle and press my head into his shoulder. This is everything I've ever wanted. And I didn't quite believe it was entirely real.