The Weirdness Chronicles - A Very Special Thanksgiving

When I woke up that Thanksgiving morning, I wasn't expecting an army of teddy bear space pirates armed to the teeth with blasters, lightsaber Hidden Blades, and flashlights to invade Earth for trivial reasons. That sort of thing usually happens on Tuesdays. Then again, in a world where high school math is actually useful in real life (yeah, mind blown), I guess really anything could happen.

Now I know what you're thinking: "How could a country as pathetic as America beat an entire invasion force armed with flashlights?" Well, sit back and relax, and I'll tell you:

I was lying on my couch watching the Thanksgiving Day parade with my younger brother Jake. My father was in the kitchen preparing our dinner:

"Yes, I'd like a large pepperoni pizza, please. 20 minutes or its free? Okay, thanks."

You might find it weird that we're ordering a pizza on Thanksgiving; well, the last time we cooked a turkey, it was so bad it came to life, began chanting in faux-Latin, and flew off to parts unknown (my little brother, ever the perceptive one, assumed it may have been somewhat upset). Yeah, our family ain't exactly known for our culinary skills don't-cha-know.

Anyways, I was starting to doze off (I'd spent much of the night fighting off teenagers trying to egg our apartment complex after we blew up their houses by baking a ham last Christmas) when it happened.

"Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh - look Andrew!"

"What?" I turned groggily towards where my hyperactive little brother was pointing.

"There's a Pirates of the Caribbean parade float!"

I forced my heavy eyes open and looked at the TV. He was right ... well, actually, he was wrong but we THOUGHT he was right ah great I'm rambling again aren't I okay I'll stop. An old-fashioned pirate frigate was bobbing through the cold autumn air.

I rolled my eyes.

"They're making a fifth one of those aren't they? Fan-frigging-tastic ..."

"I know, isn't it amazing!" Jake beamed.

I smiled at Jake and said "Sure, why not ..."

Wait, why were there screams of terror? The Pirates sequels were bad, but ... jeez, that's kinda an overreaction.

Then a balloon of Scrappy Doo floated alongside the pirate ship. Yeah, that made sense. Actually, I said to myself, the parade was only a few blocks away, maybe I could sneak out with some torches and pitchforks ...

"Wait a second," I squinted at the television screen.

"What's wrong, big brother?" Jake demanded. "What's wrong Andrew?"

"Um, I kinda dozed off during the fourth movie, so do you mind refreshing my memory?"

"Okay!" Jake replied merrily.

"Did Jack Sparrow ever outfit the Black Pearl with laser cannons?" Considering how convoluted the plots of those films could get it, it wouldn't really surprise ...

The pirate ship began to lower itself. "Kuh-psshhhhhhhhh!" the ship hissed as it landed in the middle of the road.

Jake's eyes quadrupled in his head.

"Big brother? I don't think that's not the Black Pearl."

Despite the double negative, Jake was right. The ship had turbo engines attached to the frigate's stern. Strangely-shaped blobs - the crewmembers, I said to myself - were climbing up and down the ship's rigging, their heavy modern armor and weaponry apparent even from the TV screen. That and the ship wasn't black.