CLUTTER

the questionable existance of justice

now that i think back on my last relationship,
i believe i was the toxic one.
this isn't easy to say.
it seems impossible but it rings true.
rings in the tall grass growing by the road
rings in the old orthodox church's bells
rings in the ears of my late great-grandmother.
i didn't love him,
though i said i did.
i put him down,
i um...
i
i read this post on instagram, titled "if you notice you partner doing these, run".
and all ten jabs were true for me.
they were ten reasons we broke up.
and for a while i tried justifying my actions.
these cruel, sharp edged cuts,
unceasing in their harm.
"he cornered me" i would say.
"how else could i have answered a question like that?" and heads would nod and pitying smiles would agree.
how is what i though fair even close to just?
when a mother bear lets you close to her cubs,
closer than she has ever let anyone
and out of an instinctive fright lashes at you,
she misses but you feel threatened,
do you find that specific spot on her belly
and drive you knife in to the hilt,
opening her up like a sack of flour?
no.
you don't.
but i did.