Apex

20 | ice age

[trigger warning: mention of self-harm]

JULY 3 - 4

ALLIX

Something about the energy on Friday Island shifted when July arrived. It seemed colder, trepidation lingering in the air, and I suspected that everyone was anticipating things to get worse before they got better. I wasn't immune to the energy; in fact, I was absorbing it like a wet sponge. The sleepless nights and watchful eyes of my parents only intensified my inner turmoil. Every meal was a marathon, and the scale hidden beneath the sink in my bathroom had electric green numbers that burned my eyes.

I'd thought I was getting the hang of compartmentalizing, of tricking myself into believing that the mystery wasn't affecting me, but then my period wasn't on time. It was five days late now. It was five days late, and I was one day closer to ruling that I'd slipped back into bad habits.

Nothing I told myself made me feel any better because I remembered the dark days all too well. After three months without menstruating, doctors will formally prescribe the title of amenorrhea, and a younger Allix would've secretly celebrated because this was validation. A state of relative energy insufficiency wouldn't scare me, not when I was feeling invincible and light. I was all sharp lines and bold ambitions that clawed at my polished skeleton.

But that was a girl worshipping size 00 with razor blades tucked beneath her mattress. That was a girl who made her girlfriend scream when she found her in the bathroom with blood trickling from the parallel cuts on her hips. That was a girl I didn't want to remember, but my period was over a week late, and tagging along on an unspecified mission with Syd sounded like a decent distraction.

Unfortunately, the unspecified mission was accepting Brenna's invitation to visit her on the set of Apex.

"Remind me why I'm here?" I asked Syd as we approached the cluster of luxury trailers on the cliffside. "Because in case you haven't noticed, I'm not interested in being a third-wheel."

A cold breeze swept through the tall grass, whistling an eerie tune, and I pulled my cardigan tighter around me. July hadn't chased away the breezy sixty-degree days and sporadic rain showers, but at least the weather was predictable. I sensed the fresh promise of rain settling in the air, mingling with the salt from the sea and pine from the forest.

"To be my bodyguard," Syd stated without an ounce of sarcasm in his voice.

I scoffed. "Don't get me wrong, I can throw a few good punches, but I lack the proper physique for that job." I gestured to myself - pale, gaunt, exhausted, and not wanting to be here.

"Being buff is overrated," he shrugged. "Besides, you've got your icy glare and intimidating pretty girl energy to protect me from all the self-centered assholes down there."

As the breeze tangled my hair in front of my face, I did my best to smile. "Is feeding my ego how you're repaying me for driving Dakota to the banquet?"

Syd made a low noise in the back of his throat. "You two really need to sort out your issues. The passive-aggressive nature of your affection is exhausting."

"We don't have issues," I defended, unsure of who I was actually trying to convince. I wished I could walk through the doors to my mind and tell all of the pesky voices to shut up shut up shut up.

Syd's silver earring glistened in the overcast light as he eyed me warily. "Whatever floats your boat. I just hope you've got a lifejacket for when it sinks into the ocean of denial."

I clenched my jaw so tight that it grew sore. Issuing a defense wasn't worth it, mostly because Syd had pure intentions.

We spent the next few minutes in comfortable silence, the kind born out of enduring friendship. Syd might be Maud's neighbor and Dakota's best friend, but he'd always been my touchstone. As I walked beside him, I considered how Syd was the first to reach out to me after my absence, and how he'd never pressured me for the truth or made me feel guilty for keeping secrets. He respected me enough to give me space while simultaneously remaining a constant source of support.