𝐟𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐮𝐧 ☼ 𝐤𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐚

VI

"is it bad that i'm not thinking about her all the time?"

"what do you mean?"

"my mom," tobio mumbled, face flushing as it became more of a hoarse whisper than a solid statement, "i don't want... i feel like i'm forgetting her. like i'm not thinking about her."

"oh, tobio, that's not a bad thing at all. you're not forgetting, you can never forget. you're just moving on."

"i don't want to move on, shō, i don't want to leave mom behind,"

his tears were blue like his eyes, shōyō noticed, as they began to fall. it was similar to how the ocean reflects the colors of the sky, mirroring the sadness in the tint of his tears. even when he's crying, he's beautiful. it's almost unfair.
shōyō got up from the opposite side of the couch and plopped down right beside him, pulling the trembling body into his lap. tobio laid with his back flat over shōyō's legs, and he reached up to cover his face with his hands, but the boy beat him to it.

"tobio, it's okay to not spend every second thinking about your mom. it's unrealistic to think you can," he explained, ignoring the urge to swipe orange hairs out of his eyes as he looked down. instead he swiped the tears rolling back to tobio's ears, keeping his touch gentle so he didn't hurt him. "she's always going to be with you. your mom wouldn't want you to be sad over her forever."

tobio curled inward a bit, letting his arms draw in around shōyō's waist before burying his face in the cloth of his shirt and saying, "i don't want to be sad anymore. i want to remember her, but it makes me sad to."

"then remember the good things. don't think about her death. think about her life." shōyō sat unmoving as he brushed thin strands of pin-straight black hair away from the little of tobio's face he could touch, and let him breathe in and out. he ran his hand through that midnight hair, and he stayed quiet, letting tobio listen to the silence and find some solace inside it. "why don't you tell me a happy memory you have with your mom? what's your favorite thing? one you haven't talked about?"

tobio turned himself out a bit. this way he was still holding on to the smaller boy's waist, but his words were no longer muffled to the ear. "when i was really little, and my mom needed me to sleep, she used to sing me songs. songs she knew growing up. i always used to ask her to sing me a beatles song, because they were her favorite, so they were mine. a-and she would sing me 'i'll follow the sun'. she held my hand, and she'd play with my hair, and when she was finished, she'd kiss my forehead and say, "goodnight, baby. mama loves you." and i'd... i'd fall asleep."

he had stopped crying, and he was smiling a little more. he's always smiling around shōyō, he reminds himself. it's unusual for him, but he doesn't mind.

"is that your favorite song?"

"yeah."

"good. when you get sad, just remember her voice. how she sang it to you. and soon enough, you won't feel bad about missing her anymore, because you won't be missing her. you'll be remembering her."

"i should be comforting you," tobio chuckled hollowly, "you're the one with the more recent loss."

"healing is different for everyone. i've been okay. you needed to get okay. there's nothing wrong with that."

tobio liked the way shōyō spoke. it was soft and tired from a long day out in the backyard, and it sounded like a secret, one only he could hear. all the words the orange boy spoke were for him, and he felt special for it.

"shōyō?"

"what?"

tobio hugged his waist a little tighter, pushing his head up towards the boy's hands so he would bury them in his mess of black locks, similar to the way his mom would've. "thank you."

"anything for you, tobio. always."

     it was getting dark outside, and shōyō's fingers were delicate as they twisted pieces of his hair around themselves, and as tobio laid in his lap, he decided that it wasn't the sun, and he wasn't just nervous or confusing his happiness for something else. he loved the boy, and he wants to for as long as he can. he always has.
     he sat up and wiped his face, and then grabbed shōyō's hand as he settled in beside him. he squeezed the smaller palm three times, and turned his gaze away. he wondered if with each pulse, shōyō somehow knew what he was trying to say.