Six Records of A Floating Life 浮生六记

Six Records of A Floating Life, 6

【1】

I suddenly remembered the term "Wei Wang Ren", during ancient times women who lost their husbands would use this term to call themselves, no one used this term anymore.

It was a term filled with lingering feelings, as if it contained infinite stories.

Except, I was still alive!

【2】

Starting from sophomore year, a rookie became a veteran, I could more or less disregard university rules. I rented a small room outside the campus, it had a bed, a desk, a desktop computer, the longest time I didn't go back to the dormitory was 3 months. I didn't want to see him.

That was when I became a night owl, I had nowhere to vent the longings and sorrows in my heart. I often stayed awake until dawn, listening to the rain dripping on the eaves outside, wondering how I managed to get myself into this situation.

The longer I didn't see him, the more I missed him; the more I missed him, the more I dared not to.

【3】

The winter in Changsa was humid and gloomy, if the sky was not full of dark clouds, then it was raining.

After skipping class, I returned to the dormitory like a thief. I sat alone in the empty dormitory, lost in thought and was uncertain of what to do.

Someone knocked on the door, it was him, because of this accidental encounter, we were both startled.

I gathered my courage and walked behind him, hugged his waist, burried my face into his back, and said: "I really want to kill you, then take your head. This way, I can take you wherever I go."

My husband removed my hands and walked away. 

【4】

The next half a year, I had all sorts of illnesses, insomnia, severe cold, allergy, stomach ache, but I wasn't willing to go to the hospital. 

The frequency of missing him became less, I was sick with various illnesses and was drowsy most of the time. The cold that I had for a month didn't seem to go away, when I recovered a little, I would start having allergies and gastritis. It was so painful that I couldn't sleep. I would wake up at night and sit up senselessly, eating a great deal of analgesics to help me sleep.

My body weight went down drastically, 177cm tall, but not even 60kg.

My almost self-abuse behaviour frightened my classmates, seven of them took turns to look after me, they watched me take medications and took me to the hospital.

I was apathetic.

【5】 

One time when I woke up, my husband was sitting on the edge of the bed, his face gloomy, we were both silent.

My husband asked: "Are you trying to die?"

I still knew to smile: "I'm doing great, why would I want to die?" 

 My husband became angry and scolded: "You, bastard, are trying to die, you are sick and you don't even bother going to the hospital. You randomly consumed medications, you could have died in your room and no one would know. You're so weird."

At that time I feared hearing the word "weird" the most, maybe it was because I did think I was weird.

 Hearing him saying so, I became so angry my body went numb, my hands and feet were cold. Me, weird? If I was, it was because of you. I grabbed whatever was on my bed and threw it around. "If I'm weird, why won't you go far away from me, get lost!" I still had so much to say but I couldn't bring myself to say it, he was the person I fell in love with, it was not his fault, I got myself into this situation, who else could I blame?

After that my husband told me that my expression that day could be described as: all hope turned into dust.

I heard the door open and close, I didn't open my eyes. I only thought, if possible, then I didn't want to like you at all. I could find a good girl and openly hold her hands in public. But, I wasn't given this chance, the first person I fell in love, happened to be you.

If I could have known, then I would not have come to Changsa to prevent myself from meeting you.

If, ten thousands ifs.

【6】 

 I moved back to the dormitory, and earnestly lived through my university life, I also learnt to treat my husband as a mere classmate - an unacquainted classmate, I didn't speak to him, I didn't go to meet him. I didn't want my heart to be hung in midair, I forced myself to sever all relations with him.

Chatting on our separate beds in the dormitory after the lights were off was our main entertainment, I would talk to my classmates and wonder about what he could be doing right now. Sometimes I would go to get water and pass my husband's dormitory. I would perk my ears up and sometimes I could hear my husband's voice coming from inside. I couldn't hear what he was saying, but it made me happy.

I would also pretend to inadvertently bring up my husband in conversations with classmates, hearing his name from other people's mouth, was a hidden joy.

【7】 

A few days ago, I asked my husband why he changed his mind, and was willing to be with me.

He only said: "You were ruthless, you really did sever our relationship when you said you would, you wouldn't even blink your eyes when we met on the street."

I said: "So you suddenly discovered that you can't afford to live without me? You really are an X, I was chasing after you, but you ran so fast I couldn't even see your shadow. When I stopped and turned back, you started chasing me instead."

"It's not an X, I just figured it out that it's just life, it's better for me to find someone that I can tolerate." He later also clarified, "I didn't chase after you, we came across each other."

During my third year in university, my husband came to my birthday celebration, everyone drank a little bit too much.

I found an opportunity to leave the room, I stood outside, reminiscing about the warm attitude my husband just showed me.

My husband walked to my side and put his hand on my shoulder...

A lot of stories started anew from here.

【8】 

I used to hold onto every moment with him desperately, in order to give myself some memories to recall in the future. At that time, I didn't dare to think "forever", I was so happy I wanted to die at the peak of our relationship. 

Life would not always be smooth, we were all ordinary, and we would live like ordinary people; bickering, having cold war, comforting each other, and caring for each other, no matter what happened, as long as both were determined to work hard, then we would continue this path bravely.

I often thought about Zhang Ailing's words, they were also appropriate to use to describe us.

He was only an ordinary man and I was but a selfish man, perhaps, in this world, there still wouldn't be a place that could accept people like us.

But, there should be a place that could accept two ordinary men.

---Six Records of a Floating Life - the end.

T/N:

'X' was written in the original text