amnesia ➸ harry styles

two

it was monday morning which meant i had college for the first time ever in holmes chapel. i was so nervous - i hated new places. although i really liked it here, it was still really hard for me to come to terms with the fact that this wasn't home.

although my previous home wasn't the nicest place, it was the only place i've ever known, and so i was really against moving here at first. but because of my mental health, my parents didn't really have any other option. it was time to move on.

up until about year 11, i was emotionally and physically bullied by a few girls in my year - the 'popular' kids. i was never really popular. i was always thought of as that geeky weirdo that hung out in the library or in the english staff room because i found it so hard to make friends. for a while, my presence was ignored entirely. other students would see me sat on the floor in the corridor while i was having an episode, and they'd laugh at me and walk past me while i was freaking out. this was pretty much the reason i ended up taking a year out from school. i developed serious anorexia nervosa when i was 16. i never felt good enough so i didn't eat because i thought i needed to be 'skinny', but i know now that 'skinny' isn't a thing. it's just a frame of mind. 9 months in the ICU, and a lot of ups and downs later, i found myself in a much better place - where i am right now.

don't get me wrong, i'm far from perfect, but i'm getting better. i guess having a fresh start here might be what i needed after all.

***

after getting my thoughts straight and organising everything for my first day of college, i dragged myself out of bed and took a brisk shower. it was just after 7:30am, so i had about an hour and a half before i needed to be at college for the start-of-week assembly.

i blow dried my hair and gave it a subtle curl until i was happy with how it was styled, and then applied a small amount of makeup which consisted of some brow gel, concealer and mascara.

after putting on some light denim mom jeans and a black long-sleeved crop top, i checked my list-of-things-to-remember, since i had the memory of a goldfish, and made sure everything was ticked off. once i triple checked that i had everything, i tidied my bedroom and headed downstairs to have breakfast with my mum.

although my parents are together, i don't see my dad all that much. when my mental health started deteriorating, my mum gave up work to look after me, and so dad picked up another job to help pay for my transport, medication and other things that i feel ridiculously bad for.

i knew that i should'n't feel guilty for my mental health, but what i've put my parents through has effected them a lot, and it's no one's fault but mine. i try not to think about that too much. it makes me think about those times when i really didn't want to be alive but i promised myself i'd never let myself fall back into that position again,  and so far i'm doing an okay job of it.

"hey sweetie." my mum smiled at me as i entered the kitchen and hopped onto a stool to sit at the island. "excited for college?"

she placed a bowl of cereal on the table for me. "thank you, and yes i am actually." i said plainly, trying to brush off the fact that i was really not excited.

i looked back up at my mum for a split second. she was doing that weird 'i feel sorry for you but it's life and you have to deal with it' smile, followed my a long, breathy sigh that meant she was one hundred percent about to say something along the lines of "if you feel uncomfortable ring me and i can come and pick you up" even though she knew i would never ring her even in the worst case scenario.

"that's good," she started and then quickly remembered something. "oh- also, i went to introduce myself to a few of the neighbours this morning - there's a family next door with a son that's about your age. lovely boy by the sounds of it, and he goes to the same support group as you!" she seemed genuinely excited, probably because she knows it means that i'm not the only fucked up teenager on the estate, but she was cute nonetheless.