Once Upon His Last Day

Songs And Eulogies

Today was an absolute wreck for me but still now, the misery hasn't ended.

Dinner consisted of pasta clad in brown butter with some Parmesan sprinkled on top. When Grandma is in charge of cooking, you know you'll get a pretty sumptuous meal for she is a retired chef. Cooking always makes her happy. In a way, it is like her own personal mode of therapy. For that reason, she seems to be comparatively happy now. But of course, it was ephemeral because you cannot escape reality. We sit at the table with our meals in front of us, but none of us are even touching it. I guess like me, everyone else has also lost their appetite, no matter how delicious the meal is. Even grandma. She seems a bit disappointed. Maybe she thought that the food would make all of us feel a bit better. 

My dad starts to speak. He seems a bit stable than earlier.

"So...uh, I know this is really hard for all of us, uh, especially for Muriel". 

He pauses for a moment and glances at me. Then, he continues to speak.

"But.er..after the.. uh..a few initial things..uh...we need to do..er..a funeral for--" 

He pauses again. It sounds like all these words are being forced out of his mouth.

"Arthur". After saying his name, he takes a deep breath. "I really want this..er..funeral to celebrate his life, no matter how long it was. I do not want it to be a teary goodbye, because there is nothing called goodbye right? Not really. Love doesn't die. Love lives on. Let's keep him alive through our love. In our hearts. In the precious memories."

He gives a wistful smile. My eyes slowly start to well up with tears. 

 "So,Muriel I really want you to say something in honour of your brother.Or if you don't wanna do that, you could also sing maybe since you have a flair for it. Anything is welcomed. You know how much he loved you and I know how much you loved him too."

What?--that's the first word that comes to my mind. Yes, I know you are thinking that why would I deny this when I loved him so much. And, of course I wouldn't! I definitely want to say something in honour of him or read out something. An eulogy. Or a song, like dad said. But, then again, like he said that he does not want this to be a teary goodbye to him-I also want that! See the thing is, I prefer to stay silent about it all. I do not want to endeavour to articulate all the thoughts I'm having. That's because, I know I will cry if I try to express them in words. And I'll cry really bad! I know it! Plus, I'm sure Arthur, in wherever he is now, will be hurt if I begin to cry. During the blissful times when he was there, he used to say, "You know it breaks my heart to see you cry, right?". Remembering that almost makes me have an emotional breakdown. 

I don't give a proper answer to dad's question. I just nod slowly.

"Now, I know both of you may want to know what..uh..happened to Arthur", he says ,pointing to grandma and me. "Well..about that, as you know...well I believe Muriel doesn't, so ..uh..well last night around 3 or so, your brother had woken up with a really intense headache. Then he started shaking like anything! We could sense something was wrong. We immediately called an ambulance and rushed him to the hospital." He gives a quick glance at grandma, who is sitting with her head hung down and a dreadful expression is on her face. Dad continues-

"Well, unfortunately, he only made it till the ambulance ride. While we were..uh..conversing with the hospital staff about some stuff regarding his admission, he..uh--" He starts crying now. Mom hugs him and rests her head on his shoulders, her eyes also filled with tears. Grandma rises from her chair and joins them. At this moment, I don't know what to do. The world has just broken apart into pieces for me. How I wish for another chance! Just another chance to make things right- to make his last moments a little happier! He basically died alone, without the company of his near and dear ones!  Why-just why did I have to argue with him that night?

I go upstairs slowly and sit on my bed, just staring at the ceiling for sometime. I close my eyes as I'm once again lost in my thoughts. All the outside world becomes subdued, and everything comes backs to me again. It was almost as if I was half awake and half in dreams. All of it just happened too soon- he was gone too soon! A few tears roll down my cheek. Suddenly, I realize it is almost midnight. 

Tomorrow's Monday- definitely not a holiday! Maybe going to school will make me feel a bit better.Maybe Mackenzie and Earl's cheerful company will heal me a little bit. Or, maybe not. But I definitely need to sleep now. 

I lie in my bed, hoping to fall asleep soon.