Cupid's roller coster

the tunnel

Unfortunately during this time, Violet's mental health continued on decreasing. The meetings weren't the thing for her and even with Sara in the picture, her dark thoughts grew more and more inside her. Nothing could make her feel better, the feeling of distress, the urge to feel something, make her suffer, it was too strong. Her arms and inner thighs were full of scars and her collar bones were showing more than ever. At this point, everyone is concerned and she can't hide it anymore. Sara is so concerned. She decides that this Saturday, as they should meet at Violet's, she would ask her what's going on. It can bring more harm than good but she can't let her in this situation. She has to try.

The two girls are really happy to spend time together on the week-end. Though they study in the same school, Sara being a year older and not at all in the same classes, they barely see each other on school days. Furthermore, Sara's parents seem quite strict. So this time alone on Saturday is really precious. They cuddle for hours, watching films and talking, getting to know each other. But this time would be different. They sit down, appreciate the company of each other for a while and Sara takes the arm of the other one, contemplates it and asks gently why she does that to herself. Violet takes her arm back in a rush, stands up, runs towards the bathroom and locks herself.

Sitting back to the door, Sara tries to reassure her girlfriend. It's no critic, just a simple wondering and it's okay if she's not fine talking about it. She has to take her time. But talking about a trauma can really benefit someone. That's why she starts to explain her own path, wishing that the girl on the other side of the door would feel less alone in this battle: Her parents are very strict. They have always been but they were also abusive. Most of the time it was only verbally but they could say that she wasn't worth anything, that she could never succeed in anything, "why do you even bother to try?" they ask her sometimes. She had to find a way to escape this living hell. But of course she wasn't allowed to leave the house except for going to school. At that time she didn't have a lot of friends, even less than now so she didn't have anyone to talk to. But her confidence was lower than hell and she didn't care what could happen to her. Everything was blend and she only wanted one thing, going away from the rules, from the expectations, from her body. So she started to drink alcohol, frequently, to the point where she wouldn't pass a day without being drunk. She liked the way it made her feel, like everything and nothing was around her at the same time. How death was within easy reach. But she could control it. She could finally have a say on her life and actions. - tears are filling her eyes as she remembers this time of her life, which is not too far away. And it's with an unsure voice that she continues her story – One day she realised that she didn't really have control over the alcohol. It was the other way around and that she needed to stand up for herself without this rock that was supposed to lift her up but actually drowned her further down.

Violet opens the door and takes the weeping girl inside with her: "You're so brave... ! How did you do?".

"My long time best friend took me under her wing and didn't let me go until I was completely okay. I also left my home to live with her, at least the time to get my shit together. Letting the crap of my parents away for a while and taking care of me was the best thing I ever did. Now I can take what they throw at me and even if it's harder some days, I try to remind myself that I've gone through it, I've reached rock bottom but I came back and I'm stronger than before."

"I respect you. I feel like I've reached rock bottom too, but there's no way out for me..."

"Don't say that, it's never too late. What made you start? We can find a way out together"

"It happened this summer... I was out with some of my friends, we were at a bar, chilling. A guy approach me and asked me for my number. I said that I wouldn't give him, he apologized and left. I was shocked by this, because a thought I'd have to be a bit more violent. I thought that he was a good man and that their should be more humans like him. Anyway, we finish our drinks and I decide to go home by foot because I didn't live too far from the place and I wanted to contemplate the stars on my way home. About half way, I realized a car was following me. I tried to accelerate but it did too. Of course, how could I have thought I would race a car, silly me – a little smile drew on her face as she shook it side to side – Fortunately I knew a small path through the houses that only pedestrians could take. That didn't stop the guy, who followed me by foot. He reached me so fast I didn't even hear him... You can't imagine the relief I had when I recognize the man. It was Ben, a guy from my german class. He told me that he saw me alone on the streets and that he wanted to make sure I was safe, so he offered to get me home. I accepted and we walked a bit together, until....

"Take your time" says Sara pressing the girl against her chest, trying to comfort her

Violet takes a deep breath and continues the story: "until he pushed me against a wall and ordered me not to scream. I was so afraid I froze. His car was on the other side of the street. Turns out he was with one of his friends. He pushed me into the car and brought me back to his house. Once we arrived, they threw me on a bed and.... and...." She is unable to finish the story. Tears are rolling down her face. She just squeezes her arms against one another, shaking.

"okay, okay I understand don't worry... Did you tell anyone about this?" asked Sara with the sweetest voice. Violet shook her head side to side, her eyes looking at the floor as if he was ashamed.

"Don't worry, it's okay, it's gonna be okay. I'm here now, I won't do anything to hurt you, ever" whispers Sara taking Violet inside her arms, even tighter.

In between sobs she is able to articulate: "I'm so ashamed... I shouldn't... have come home alone at night, I should have accepted his proposition. I couldn't even tell the police... I... They... They took me everything, I'm just an empty shell, why are you... even there...?"

Sara doesn't answer and just squeezes her tighter to show that she won't let her go no matter what, that she's there for her if she needs it. They stay like this for some time.

This evening is a turning point in their relationship. Sharing their secrets pulled them closer together. They feel as if they can talk about anything and Violet, for the first time isn't scared to talk about what's bothering her or when she's sad. Unfortunately it's not that simple and she's afraid she would do some harm to her girlfriend. The dark thoughts anchored to her mind, and even with help, it's really hard for her not to sink in this vicious cycle.