Solitude

prologue

I never really understood why people can feel so isolated in loneliness even when you know you aren't the only one imprisoned by this mindset. It's the way our brain functions, in its own terrifying way.

I hated the dark yet it's what I've been trapped in all my life. I remember spending my childhood not playing hopscotch with all the other boys and girls, but instead scrubbing the alcoholic bile off the kitchen floor. Shades of grey surrounded my being for so long memories of color were clouded. I found myself forgetting, I tried to remind myself, what warm dirt felt like under my bare toes in summer, how snowflakes felt on the tip of my nose during winter, or how the sweet alyssum's smell in the early spring. Now the closest saturated thing I've seen is the food my father leaves at my bedroom door every day in the small window of time he's sober. For so long I've been held captive from a normal teenage life. I dare say that has taught me to be more grateful for the tiny things in life. I know I am more fortunate than others, but I am trapped in a never-ending pain that I could only wish to escape. But there was no escape and I knew that. I knew I'd been trapped in my father's mistakes. His fears. His fantasy.

My father was a man of faults, god so many faults. His biggest was when my mother died, when she was murdered, ruthlessly. no one talks about her passing. it's like she was just an imaginary friend that one day disappeared. life still went on. waves still crashed in the sea, and the world still rotated. she was such an important part of so many lives, so why is it the good people die first. part of me blames her. my mother's death spiraled my father into acts of misunderstood grief. His way of coping with all his sufferings was to hide me away from the world. Where dark colors are all I know. Where my dreams are the only escape from the loneliness.

Where no one and nothing can hurt me,

as they once hurt my mother.

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A/N: Please note that this story is still on hold for the time being. Although I was just revising the prologue I will relaunch the book with the first two chapters on July 29th!

Have a wonderful day 🤍