The Story of Struggle

Church on a Monday

After the battle against fear, I was exhausted. I had been moping around my room in the castle, crying and clinging to my mother and father. They were always there to comfort me; I was loved. Still, Fear had left his mark on me, I needed to heal and the way I was going about the shit wasn't working. I meditated and told myself "I am stronger than Fear" 

(Which I obviously am considering I defeated the guy, but ya know, sometimes you got to remind yourself like when you forget you need to pick up your kid from school)

Anyhow, I meditated and kept myself distracted for the most part; it helped of course but it always came back. It was a poison I seemed to always find in the back of my throat after rinsing and rinsing and rinsing and. . . (take a guess what I'm gonna say next, heheh) AND RINSING!

I was exhausted with headaches and feeling dizzy because I couldn't eat, couldn't focus. Fear was turning into a horrid thing we call Anxiety, nasty little bitch she is. I was always anxious; anxious I'd do things I always feared I would do. 

This next part is gonna get real personal.

I'm afraid I'm going to kill the people I love (in particular my family, one of the dearest things to my heart). I was afraid I'd kill my pets. These are very very serious fears that I always kept hidden and you know why? As king, I was afraid; afraid I'd be perceived as a monster, that people (especially the ones I love) would automatically assume I am that monster that I fear! I was afraid of judgement and rejection as much as I was afraid of doing those horrid things. 

Hell, I kept this horrible secret far far away from the people I love; my family, my people I swore to protect, my pets, my friends. Why? Because I was afraid. I was afraid everyone would turn against me or that by saying them out loud they'd come true.

Now let's see what I do.

I sat in my mother and father's arms, crying and crying. Today was the day I finally admit to them my fear. I told them the horrid thoughts that ran through my mind, pretending that they were me (little bastards). I explain everything that I just wrote between the boldened words. 

"Juju used to say I scared her," I said between sniffles. "I hated that because it made me think I was the monster I was afraid of. . . but I never said anything."

My parents comforted me, nurtured me. "Ay Isaac," my mother said. "She didn't mean it like that; you know that."

I nodded. "I know, but my mind was stolen away by those horrible thoughts."

My father squeezed me tighter; I felt safe, secure even. "Ay my son, your mind is very powerful, it's why you can create the kingdom we live in. It's a blessing," he said, "but every blessing is a curse too. It makes your thoughts run wild, let's anxiety run wild because how strong your mind is."

"When was the last time you sat and wrote, cleared your head?" my mother asked. 

"Not for a while," I said. "I've been so caught up in the fear and being exhausted."

We all sat silent. "I want you to go see, Father Diaz," she said. 

My father laughed. 

She slapped him, of course. "I'm serious, he can help you."

I nodded. "I'll go right now."

So I began my walk through the castle to go see Father Diaz. Now for those of you who don't know Father Diaz, let me just say he ain't your ordinary priest. Nah, he's one badass and funny son'bitch. Hahaha, you'll see. 

Time skip cause I can't think of any important stuff that happened on my way to Father Diaz. 

I stepped into the church of my kingdom, small on the outside but a real cathedral on the inside. Standing up front was good ol' Father Diaz. The fat guy turned around with a doughy smile and exclaimed, "My King! It's good to see you."

I smiled. "Hello, Father Diaz-"

"Woah woah woah!" he said. "What's with these titles? Father this, Mr. Diaz that!"

He nudged me. "Come on kid, I'm Joey. I'm no Father to nobody," he said before leaning in. "The big guy up there can handle all that!"

He harked a laugh and I laughed. Anxiety was gon- and the bitch is back. I felt it again, just remembering it brought it back. 

"Hey, what's on your mind, kid?" he asked, seeing the stress I had. 

I sat down on one of the bleachers and he sat next to me. "I'm scared, father," I said. "My anxiety keeps coming and putting my fears in front of my eyes and in my body. I'm scared I'm gonna kill my family and I'm also scared to tell people because It might make it true or even make people judge me an-, and, and I just don't KNOW!"

I cried. 

He nodded softly, putting his arm around me and pulling me close to him. "Listen kid, You are in control. That anxiety jerk off ain't gonna make you do nothing you don't want to. Say it, fucking say 'You are in control.'"

"I am in control," I said.

He looked down at me. "This fear of telling someone making it come true is a load of bullshit," he said before yelling. "BULLSHIT! It's just your fear and anxiety tricking you, those pieces of rhino shit."

He rose with a sudden burst of energy. "If anyone thought you a killer, I'd tell 'em your full of yourself cause you don't know nothin' about our king!" he yelled with fire in his voice. 

"But-"

He shook his head and waved his arms. "NO BUTS, SHUT UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP, ISAAC!" He yelled. 

"You are in control, you can kick that stinky bitch, Anxiety, out of you!"

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He looked at me. "You're a strong kid, remember that, mijo. I know this and your family knows this. You don't need to worry, just explain. Tell 'em because not tellin' 'em is eatin' you up."

He pulled me to my feet and slapped me across the face. "Wake up, twinkle toes and smell the fucking roses! Did your parents abandoned you when you told them these fears?"

I shook my head. 

"No, in fact, they came closer to protect you. Your whole family will come together to help you! Your friends will come to help you. Even los pinche perros will!"

(Joey ain't a big fan of dogs)

I felt something gooey drip out of my ears, then my eyes, next was my nose. Next thing I knew I was throwing up the black tar. It all fell to the floor and formed Anxiety, daughter of Fear. 

Joey stepped in front of me with a smile. "You did it kid, now let me bless her with some bullets from my Glock."

He pulled from his ivory robes a Glock. 

Before he could shoot her she broke through the ceiling. Joey said every swear word in the book as he shook his fists and looked up at the whole in his beautiful church. "YOU COCK SUCKER, I'LL KISS YOU WITH MY ASSHOLE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU. . ."

He looked at me. "You can face her, you've face her already. You came out stronger; you're still stronger."

He pat my back. "Remember that."