My outlook on the world from a young age has always been a tad distorted, as I've grown I have watched it spiral more and more, now it stays forever ruined, distorted, and distraught. The loud voices, constant drama and lying, arguments, and being taken advantage of is how I remember my childhood. Though I wish not to, It played a big factor in my life but don't get me wrong I had a better childhood than most and it wasn't all bad. Sadly those memories have shaped me to who I am today, its molded my brain to thinking harmful thoughts that are no longer unknown to me, I've dealt with those thoughts for years now.
I no longer trust people properly, I either trust to much and overwhelm someone, or I dont trust enough and they lose interest in me. Either way no matter the effort I put in, they never put in the same. If we start talking and suddenly our talking pattern changes, your replies become short or distanced, I will begin to pull away. Its happened so many times that I begin to know when to retract my feelings to avoid it hurting as much. Giving up makes me feel bad but I can tell they were as well, so its even right? I've gained tired of asking and chasing after people to stay. A bird if it wishes will try its hardest to fly away or escape if it really desires.
Lying, something everyone does when needed, or from time to time. Except for the few who do it all the time. As a person who has lived with and grew up with a liar I have learned to despise people like them. Is lying always bad no, but how they did it is one of the reasons I have trouble believing or trusting people. People would use lying to take advantage of me, to get their filthy hands on what they want. Twisting my mind to where I knew they were lying but I still questioned because I was meant to be the kind, good kid. You could come to me with anything and I would try to help because I felt my right to say no was no existent at the time, being guilt tripped sucks and was the main reason for that.
Loud arguments were a common thing for my family, and in my house. It wasn't till later I realized that wasn't normal for everyone, and then it began to bother me. I flinch when people have an angry tone in there voice when yelling. As a kid the yelling was never directed towards but seeing my parents argue with my brother, which made the domino effect leading to my parents arguing, prevented me from reaching out to my parents about myself and was always there to comfort someone else. Conflict is something I prefer not to associate with, not completely a stranger but no where near friends. Hoping to not cause my parents more problems or make them argue more I stayed the quiet, unproblematic child. My mom calls me the "angel child" but I am far from that and in these later years I think she has begun to see that.
Drama at home, drama at school I could never escape it. As I drowned sinking farther into the darkness of depression, with no proper outlet I bottled it up for years. From my 5th grade year to now, my junior year in school. The drama has changed and lessoned over the years but never gone. Most of the drama now is created from myself to myself. Dark thoughts, the stress of growing up, and everything else.
I can remember sitting on the school bus heading home for the day, going along the road near the river in the middle of winter, just imagining myself jumping in either freezing to death or drowning from my lack of swimming skills. Sometimes I still have thoughts like that but I'm glad I never went along with that plan. My depression has made me have so many breakdowns, suicidal thoughts, loss of friends, memory and so much more. Although I still dont wish to live long, I'm glad I didnt end it that day because so many good things have happened since then. Was there some bad? Yes, but so far the good has out weighed it so I'm wishing for things to get better and to finally gain the ability to swim out of the darkness. I know this "story" was random and it just seems like another venting place, and to be honest it is. I have no plan for this "story" and I'm just writing what I want.
