The Autobiography Of Lola

Chapter six

Chapter six

𝟗:𝟏𝟓 𝐚𝐦

𝑰 𝑭𝒆𝒆𝒍 𝑳𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝑫𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒈 𝒃𝒚 𝑳𝒊𝒍 𝑾𝒂𝒚𝒏𝒆-- Chapter 6 of The Autobiography of Lola

Death...

That one thing I've studied enough for two months.

I know drowning can be a painful experience because you're there, beneath the water, inhaling but on the verge of losing consciousness. At that point, there's so much carbon dioxide in the blood, and so little oxygen. A chemical triggers an involuntary breathing because you're at the breaking point. 𝑵𝒐𝒕 𝒂𝒏 𝒐𝒑𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏.

I know getting run over by a car is not an option too unless it hits so hard you float in the air, and then you get smashed to the ground. If that happens and you still don't die, you might end up getting disfigured. Not an option. I want something slow, yet peaceful, something not crazy enough to make people throw up when they see me.

The thought of living as a sad, piece of waste with a disfigured face makes my heartbeat pick up speed, hammering against my chest like a beating drum. I continue in silence down the road without looking at Ayo and hope we both pretend I wasn't almost killed by a car.

My body is full-blown trembling right now; arms, legs, mouth, every single part of me is a mess. I hate my existence right now more than I've ever hated myself. If there's one thing I want; I wish I had never even woken up today at least, I wouldn't have to show anyone I'm a load of dirt. Who crosses the road with an earpiece stuck into their ears without watching the road?

𝑰'𝒎 𝒔𝒖𝒄𝒉 𝒂 𝒎𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒌𝒆. 𝑺𝒖𝒄𝒉 𝒂 𝒘𝒂𝒔𝒕𝒆.

As the road stretches into an almost endless length, few cars rumble past us. I can't help but let my mind wander back to the girl that saved me. If that girl wasn't there, the vehicle would have smashed me into smithereens or ruined my perfect plan to exit peacefully without traumatizing  people. 

"What were you thinking?" Ayo says finally, his voice is shaky, full of anger. "Listening to a song in the middle of the road. God! That car almost crushed you to death." He turns to me and I wince.

Ayo is right. Getting hit by a car would hurt like crazy, it's almost the same with a gunshot to the head. I once found a gun in Taylor's shop (probably her brother's)  and there was nothing I wanted more than to use it, but so many questions rushed through my head. So many what ifs. What if I missed a spot and didn't die? What if I survive, and end up ruining my face then people would keep pointing: "that's the girl who shot herself in the face."

And so day after day, I kept searching until I found a much more easy way out, but even through my struggles of finding ways to leave this cruel world, I also stumbled on a page called: 'We save lives.' A pathetic website created to save lives. It's all a lie. No one is ready to save anyone. The comments on that forum said it all.

People trooped in to share their experiences with bullying, rape, rejection from parents and so on. When I read those sad tales, my heart sank and my eyes watered--

"I'm trying to make things work..." He shouts, cutting off my thoughts as his words sting. Even without saying more, I know what he means. Trying to be friends with during this moment will never make anything better.

Nothing can heal me or erase every pain... Maybe if someone stepped into my life earlier I won't be out here. When I finally decided to reach out to people on that 'we save  lives' forum, something kept me away. Doubts? Maybe.

But I should have let my doubts win. If no one got to see my story, Clara413 would never have written 'Killing yourself is a sin. You're selfish.' right under my post. What kind of a person would send that to someone contemplating suicide? I told my story but all she could pick out was me sinning against God.

I run my hand over my hair three times in quick succession and narrow my eyes at the road ahead. Did she even realize how hard it is to make such a decision?