CANDID. ᵏᵗʰ

CHAPTER 13; 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝙋𝙇𝘼𝙉

taehyung's distress returned with a burning vengeance.

he'd fucked up badly. so, so badly. the ship of good ideas was sailing like the titanic and had crashed head-first into the iceberg of shitty luck and taehyung was rearranging deck chairs on the damn thing.

he burst into yoongi's shared room, finding him quietly doing his own thing on his side of the room, scribbling and crossing things out in a small black notebook. "yoongi-hyung," he said with a heavy heart, leaning against the doorway, "i've made a really big mistake."

"why? what happened?" yoongi asked, turning and standing up. his brow was creased with worry as he gestured for taehyung to come closer and sit down on his bed. "you were out for ages."

"i messed up, hyung," taehyung said weakly. he curled his fingers into his palms and placed them on his lap, sitting straight and tense. "you said i wouldn't, i thought i wouldn't, but i did."

"no, taehyung, you didn't mess up," yoongi said, bringing his chair closer but with enough room between them in case taehyung wanted space.

"you don't even know what i did."

yoongi reassured him, his eyes soft with concern, "whatever you could've done—i'm sure it can't be that bad."

taehyung refused to look at him, finding a freckle on the back of his left hand that he hadn't seen before. "i've ruined it."

"i can't help you if i don't know what happened," yoongi said, mellowing his voice consciously. he continued, "i want to help you, taehyung, but i can't unless you tell me."

when taehyung spoke, it was barely a whisper. yoongi had to lean in closer to hear anything, and even then he could only discern a mix of syllables so slurred he could only make out 'i'.

"can you repeat that, please?" yoongi asked.

"i kissed him!" taehyung shouted, shooting to his feet. his nails dug into his palms and his chest heaved. "i—he—" he swallowed hard, and said again, more level this time, "i kissed him."

yoongi gazed up at him warily. judging by taehyung's reaction, what had transpired at the unassuming comic book cafe must have ended badly.

"and? what happened then?" yoongi urged, leaning forwards in his seat. he rested his elbows on the ripped knees of his jeans. he'd never seen taehyung so rattled before.

taehyung slowly sat back down again, but he was still focussed only on his hands. "his lips were so nice... soft. i wasn't thinking straight." he laughed mirthlessly at his own joke. "fuck, it was heaven. we might've only met this year and it's weird, i know, but i feel as though we'd never been strangers."

yoongi let taehyung collect his thoughts and draw in a breath.

"it was really, really nice, 'cause it was raining and cold and i was wearing his coat—" he halted. touched the dark material resting over him. "—am wearing his coat. i just—i don't know what came over me, he looked so good standing there with his stupid nice hair and stupid smile and stupid pretty eyes and i fucking ruined it all." his voice cracked on the last word.

"it sounds like you really like him," yoongi said gently.

taehyung felt bad for taking yoongi's time away from working and felt even worse with his pity and sympathy. "i shouldn't. it's wrong."

at that, yoongi paused. there might have been some lingering feelings in taehyung of wrongness about being attracted to someone of the same gender, learnt from environment. "how is it wrong, taehyung?"

"it's wrong," taehyung said softly, "because i'm not allowed to love him."

the l-word. with a capital 'l'. yoongi rubbed odd circles into taehyung's shoulder in a well-meant attempt to soothe him. he wondered if taehyung even realised which word he used—it didn't seem like he did.

"well, fuck what you're supposedly allowed to do," yoongi replied resolutely, which made taehyung blink in confusion. "screw the rules. you've read the rules, you've deemed them silly, now break them."

"but the ban—"

"let's look at it this way. say you broke the dating ban and you get fired. you're internationally famous. you might decide to stay in the entertainment industry, go to another company. who will want you?" yoongi paused to let his words sink in. "everyone. everyone will want you under their name. true army won't care if you're dating someone, even a man."

taehyung went quiet. yoongi took it as a good thing.

"so in conclusion... what are you so afraid of?"

finally, taehyung tore his attention away from his hands. the knuckles were white, they were clenched so hard. "losing him."

"why?"

taehyung turned his head to meet yoongi's eyes, barely moving, like it hurt him to do anything more. "because he pushed me away. you can't do that, he said. now get in the taxi and go home, taehyung." he stopped, realising something, and continued in a whisper, "he wouldn't look at me. he didn't even call me tae."

"what the hell is wrong with him?" yoongi muttered after a shocked moment, his eyes narrowing dangerously. he must've been wrong about you, thinking you'd at least let him down easily if you didn't feel the same way. "what's his number? i'm going to have a short chat with him."

taehyung shook his head quickly and put his hand on yoongi's arm. "don't. it's not his fault. i initiated it."

"fine. then..." he sighed. "do you know what you're going to do about it, taehyung?" yoongi grabbed the closest of taehyung's hands and gently prised taehyung's fingers from himself, and the deep, pale curves dotted along the middle of his palm surprised taehyung. he hadn't noticed how tight he was wound.

taehyung mulled over yoongi's question. he asked it often, he found—'do you know what you're going to do?' it was a query that made the receiver think, and consistently gave them something to go off of, at least a first step.

"our tour is coming up in a month," taehyung murmured, "i think i know what i will do." he gave yoongi a small smile, but even a child could tell it was forced. "i'm going to starve my feelings."