HOLD ME

CHAPTER 8

Joan had hoped the evening would appease Sherlock and after a few hours, he would allow her to get into his room, hug him and calm him down by the time it was bedtime. Perhaps the darkness of the night and his fatigue might crack Sherlock's defences, she knew how cuddly and needy he could get when he was tired and hurt. But oh, how wrong she'd been.

For the first time in a few days, she was all alone in her bedroom in the brownstone. It felt empty and way too big for her, it had been a few nights since she had slept all alone without Sherlock's body curling up beside her. Whenever she felt herself drifting into unconsciousness her arm stretched, and she jerked awake again when she found the other side of the bed cold and empty. She had tried to check on Sherlock a couple of times but he had barricaded himself in his bedroom and wouldn't let her come in, wouldn't even speak to her, only to shout "go away!" when she insisted.

So, she did. She gave him space even though she knew that wasn't what Sherlock needed, but what could she do? Knock the door down and demand Sherlock to tell her what was going on? It was obviously something huge and pressing him wouldn't solve it, if anything it would make things worse. No, all she could do was wait.

The evening gave way to the night, and she couldn't sleep, she kept tossing and turning in bed. Feelings of guilt were crawling inside her like a powerful venom, purging her mind fr0m all the good memories she had of little Sherlock, of how well-mannered and happy he was when being little. She tried to keep the memories of Sherlock's infectious laugh and vulnerable gaze, and how she swore she could swoon every time her little boy climbed onto her lap and fell asleep in her arms.

Joan felt she had to do something, she didn't know what but anything was better than standing still. She was Sherlock's caregiver, for crying out loud, she was responsible for his emotional and physical well-being, and it was killing her to be so far away from him. He was in his bedroom, just across the landing, all she had to do was open her door and walk to the end of the corridor. But Sherlock was close and yet, out of reach.

She didn't think she had failed anyone as spectacularly as she had failed Sherlock. Only that same morning Sherlock had told her he trusted he wouldn't be hurt by his father because she was with him, and that made him impervious to Morland's words or accusations. As it turns out, Sherlock was wrong, Morland still had the power to hurt him and she couldn't do anything to prevent it because Sherlock was pushing her away.

When the first sun rays of the morning came through the windows, lighting the brown tones of the room, she sighed and ran her hand through her dishevelled hair. If she had been able to steal a couple of hours of sleep, that was an overstatement.

The next few days were not much better. Sherlock was irascible, anxious and reckless. His tongue was fast but his wit was dry and sarcastic, and he constantly talked back to Marcus or the Captain. At least he's talking to them, thought Joan, as Sherlock hadn't spoken to her in days. When they were working he kept to his business, away from Joan, and when they were back at the brownstone he had exiled himself in the guest room next to the kitchen and didn't come out until the next morning.

His foul mood increased and his sharp words worsened, bordering on insubordination, and Gregson was beginning to lose his patience.

"What the hell is wrong with him?!" he exclaimed on the fifth day. Sherlock was walking away from the Captain's office, fuming and at a quick pace, while Marcus, Joan and Gregson stayed behind. Marcus's eyes were wide open in surprise, alarm and confusion, and Joan's brow was furrowed in deep concern. There was something very, very wrong and giving Sherlock space wasn't solving it, it was actually making it worse.

"I'm sorry, Captain" Joan excused Sherlock's behaviour "I don't know what's gotten into him. Morland... he and Sherlock argued about something the other day, and he's been in this state since then..."