hey
I really have lost sense of time- I went to costco today to buy a few things for my apartment and they had halloween costumes and whatnot out and it messed with my head. Anyways, I guess that it has been a week now. To be honest I'm not entirely sure if it feels longer or shorter, it just feels. I woke up the next morning to Lizzy McAlpine's new album and listened to where do i go and was thrown off instantly. If any song were to define how I felt in that moment and the next few days and even now I guess, it would be that one. To say that it hit hard is an understatement. There's always going to be a voice in our heads that whispers what if- but we made the right call. It did catch me off guard, but I guess I just wanted to wait for that moment that I knew didn't exist.
Dating apps have a way of filling a desperate desire of feeling wanted temporarily, but making you feel a million times worse soon after- I told you that. My account has been hidden for some time now but for some reason on saturday and sunday this one person just kept sending me messages despite me ignoring them. Eventually I got fed up with the notifications and went on the app to unmatch him. Once I was on the app, both curiosity and a gut feeling that you had downloaded it led me to swiping through and finding your profile. One, you idiot why did you put your height in your bio. Two, I got angry instantly that after everything that had happened in the past that you made a profile as in attempts to ignore the pain and to move forward. This resulted in me pouring my emotions and anger out on my runs- I am now able at least maintain a jog the entire time and complete my route in about 20-25 minutes. I will probably add on another mile in the next few weeks. Oh also I told the ladies and V and Z briefly after I saw that. Sis and I had a long talk on Thursday and she holds the same view point as ever, but it was a good deep talk about a lot of things in both of our lives so that's good.
Good luck on your first day of classes- it is crazy that we have already completed a year and are now moving on to the next. I hope that you find a lot more excitement in your new major and comfort knowing you are in a place where you will thrive. I am excited for you. I am happy to hear that your friends and family are doing well. Wish your mom a silent Happy Birthday for me and hopefully older bro has a good one as well. I hope Richie feels better soon, I've been seeing his updates on his story- he is already doing better than I was so no doubt he will be back living life soon. Also just so I don't sound like a creepy stalker who found your friend's spotify playlist- it was actually roger and max's. The neighbors were having a birthday party and were playing chicken fried and it made me feel a bit better as I have very few, if any, memories associated with you and that genre of music. Dare I say I even made my own playlist- it's private though because I could never endure the humiliation. Glad to hear Z and E are doing well, though I must say I am disappointed no fingers were held up in the picture this year. I know E didn't expect to start high school this way but I hope he still enjoys it and as for Z sophomore year sucks anyways so he's not missing much. I am also glad to hear Trivia nights are still happening and that the preparation for your food network TV show continues. Also glad you are keeping yourself active and safely meeting your friends- with time you will make new ones so don't worry about that. Remember to take time to breathe if you need it though.
In terms of me I guess I'm doing well- better than I expected. I got a haircut on Saturday, it is not shorter, but I added layers and face frames which made it start curling again and made me feel like my old self. My new jeans also came in the mail. I ordered 2 sizes expecting to have to wear the larger one but the smaller size fit perfectly which also made me feel better. I am sure that once I am back in SLO and start to develop a routine I will pick up the rest of the pieces that make me feel like myself. I am excited to move in. I bought all my kitchen supplies the other day- I don't think I've ever been more excited to go through the kitchen aisle. It's starting to hit me how soon we will be leaving though, as much as I am happy to go back, I am going to miss spending time with my family, playing badminton every night, swimming etc. I took my midterm on monday and got a hundred, and I have a final on thursday. I am also working on a few more projects with the last chunk of that huge sheet of plywood- can't believe I used all of it. I made three more mirrors today- one for my apartment, one for my mom, and one for my aunt in AZ. I hand painted all the tiles this time which was both fun and time consuming. I am also making a key holder for our apartment and embroidering a few things for my room including a portrait of eddy hehe. I will still have a small piece of plywood left after all of that but I am sure I will find something to do with it. Last night I made chicken wings and macaroni for dinner because I couldn't stop singing the tik tok sound ( the chicken wing beat if you don't know it.) Oh also I love eyes blue like the atlantic, it is a whole bop.
My family is doing good as well. Dad is doing his thing. Mom got a new job because she found out that all the brown people at her school were getting paid a lot less than the white people. Her director offered her a raise and apologized for her faults, but she found a new job and will be getting paid double what she used to so she's excited about it. Sis is good too- classes are fine. She is struggling to wake up for them though. She has messner and I got to talk to him. I love that man- look at butler's twitter to see how he started class made me giggle.
I hope that you keep yourself well, safe, and healthy. In terms of whether or not this is a good idea, I would probably have to go with the latter. You and I, we have bad history of finding crutches to rely on every time we go through this and this time it feels like it is just not the best thing to do as we try to heal. I appreciate you trying to ease the pain for me, but part of this whole thing is that we don't really get that anymore. That being said, I think updates every month or few months or so are okay as long as we are not waiting for them, I just don't want either of us getting hurt anymore than we already are by developing a bad habit..
Also the revojam link in your bio doesn't work- it popped up as a suggested account.
Nights are definitely quiet by the way. I do my best to get my mind to shut up so I can sleep but then I just end up dreaming about the things I didn't want to think about. I've been having some weird ass dreams.
