Shades of Sadness

Kabanata 38

TW: Self-harm, Suicide

Sensitive Topic: Abortion

Kabanata 38

"You won't get away this time, Ms. Laziano," there's a evident mockery on her voice.

My jaw clenched. I know, lalo pa't siya pa ang guidance counselor na naabutan ko rito.

Mrs. Fauro fixed her eyeglass.

"There's no need to investugate this further. You inflicted pain in one of our students, you didn't go to class for almost a week, then cause chaos when you came back. Suspension is not enough punishment, you are expelled...", a lopsided grin formed on his think wide lips.

I expected this. Hindi na ako kumibo at tinanggap ko na lang lahat. I am so drained, I don't have the energy to talk anymore. Gusto ko na lang umuwi at magpahinga.

Pagod na pagod na ako.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ako nakarating dito sa mansyon, basta ang alam ko lang ay matapos akong kausapin, pinaalis na agad ako sa school. Yvanna's family also filed a blotter case against me, and I am not allowed to go near her.

Wala naman akong pakialam. Who would want to be near her? I can't even take the smell of her rotten attitude.

Lumipas ang ilan pang linggo at nakakulong lang ako sa mansyon. Tanging cup noodles at can foods na nakaimbak lang ang bumubuhay sa akin, nalaman ko na umalis si Mrs. Aguilar. She filed a leave for a month to go to Manila, and instead of feeling betrayed, I got worried.

Is he alright? Is Shade alright? Nagkaroon ba ng problema at biglaan ang pag-alis ni Mrs. Aguilar?

I had been miserable for weeks, ni hindi ko na naisip si Mama. Walang-wala ako, naliligaw, at tuwing gabi hindi rin ako makatulog.

Paulit-ulit akong hinahabol ng mga nakakatakot sa pangyayari tuwing pinipikit ko ang aking mga mata... and to end this suffering, I made a decision.

Siguro naman maniniwala sila sa akin sa pagkakataong ito.

Nakakapagod. I am exhausted, I don't want to continue this anymore.

Gusto ko nang magpahinga, iyon bang makakatulog ako nang hindu ko naiisip ang bangungot na nangyari sa akin. Iyon bang hindi na ako makararamdam pa ng pandidiri sa sarili, dahil pagod na pagod na akong harapin ang lahat.

I have no hope anymore. I can't see it.

Maybe... Yvanna and Sebastian were right. Everything will be solved once I was gone.

Will I have the justice I deserve? I guess, yes. Nasa huli naman lagi ang pagsisisi. Maybe, they will realize that I am not bluffing this time... they will listen to me, and they will regret that they didn't do it sooner.

But for now... I wanted to get some rest.

Nang gabing iyon, hinanda ko ang blusa kong puti at kinuha ko ang mga gamot sa aming medicine kit. I went to the mirror and looked at my pale face once again.

I want to remember how I look like before doing this. I want to see my smiles for the last time.

Maayos kong tinirintas ang aking umaalong buhok. I put some colors on my lips, para hindi naman ako maputla tignan. The evident bags under my deep set eyes are popping. Hindi ko iyon kayang takpan dahil wala rin akong concealer.

Muli ko kinabisado ang malamya kong tsokolateng mata, ang manipis kong labi na bahagyang nakanguso, ang aking maarkong kilay, ang ilong kong maliit at ang tansuin kong buhok hanggang sa maputla kong mukha.