Black and White

Chapter 9

People have often stressed that the five people around you the most tend to influence the way that you think and lead your life. While I believe this to a large extent, I also believe that maybe it is not just the five people around you but the five people that you keep in your mind, as you walk the journey of life.

By this what I mean is, that there may be a particular individual in my life, who is no longer around me or even close to me anymore but for the years to come, some of my habits, thought processes will reflect what I picked and learnt from that particular individual. And I think that happens with all of us, who have loved or cared for someone so deeply that you've begun to identify and replicate their ways of life, thoughts and sometimes even habits.

When you spend enough time with a person you know what to expect from them in a given situation. If I am ever in a dilemma I know the exact best friend who will hype the situation up, who will give me sane advice and who will try to help me reach the solution on my own. And maybe depending upon the situation and the response we unconsciously want to receive we go to the different people. It's natural. It's common. Everybody does it.

With him, I knew what the reaction would be every time I would stress about a problem. He would not offer any advice, give me any helpful tips unless I specified that I needed them but instead just listen. He would hold me close, listen and ask me to take a deep breath. Even when we were far way, he would ask me to stop thinking and just breathe. I don't know what it was, the idea that I had to stop doing everything that I was doing, the idea that I needed to focus on the one simple task right in front of me that I could do without any challenge or just because he was saying it; it would help me and for that moment the stress and tension would dissipate. Even now, when emotions or circumstances get better of me, when I miss him, I often force myself to just remember this simple piece of advice, which has let me get control of situations that I often felt were spiralling out of control.

When I write this, I realize that there were other things that I picked up on this journey and now, when I have opened this box it becomes impossible for the memories to not overflow. I remember talking to him late at night, at around 1 am when he suddenly felt hungry and decided to make tacos for himself. I laughed and I told him that it was the middle of the night, that he had had his dinner and there was no one to eat with him; so why would he put so much effort in making something for himself only.

Even when I stayed up late at night, I would eat the things easily available to me – biscuits, fruits, bread and cheese or maybe dry fruits. Only if my brother was eating with me, would we decide to make something like chips chaat to satisfy our hunger. When I told him this, in all seriousness he asked me if the only reason I didn't make anything too elaborate was because there was only me eating in the middle of the night. I laughed and replied of course yes, why would I put so much effort in making something for myself? Even as I said it, I realised it did not sound right.

At that point, he explained that for him, he was the most important person and if he wanted to do something for himself he would also put as much effort he would put in for others, if not more. For him, doing something for yourself was as important as doing something for others; something that I had barely paid attention to. 'Oh, the curry has become cold, let it be I'll eat it like this only' vs. 'Oh the curry has become cold, Papa likes hot curry, let me warm it up for him'. We do this every day and sometimes multiple times in a day, where we put ourselves and our needs behind those of others. He showed me that the most important thing was that I come first in my own eyes. And for this I'll always be grateful.