Quicksand

10|| Smoke and Mirrors

10 

Smoke and Mirrors

THE MORNING SUN HAD RICHENED Bakari's skin to a blessing. As she lay beside him, listening to the sound of his breathing, it occurred to Amara that they had fallen into the pattern of making up by making love.

When Bakari left, she swore never to let him back into her life again. It was too easy for him to walk away. He left her a note to tell her that he was leaving for Rwanda to climb the mountains and take pictures with gorillas for a few weeks. The weeks became months and she didn't hear from him again.

Bakari was a free spirit. The kind whose hair smelled like the wind and walked barefooted up mountains. The kind that didn't need to be controlled. Where everyone went left, he preferred right. He was never repentant about it. That was his allure.

Although they had an arrangement with no strings attached, his departure left an emptiness in Amara. It was a different kind of loneliness compared to what she felt after her breakup with Zach.

Bakari's eyes were open when she looked at his face. They looked a little bloodshot; his face had lost something of its ruddy freshness. "You're watching me."

"It fascinates me how you can sleep so peacefully."

"I've never had a problem sleeping peacefully around you, Amara. You're the calm to my storms."

Warmth settled at the pit of her stomach at his calming voice. She sat, flinging the covers from her body. He was like a cigarette, an addiction. No matter how many times she tried to wean herself of him, it seemed like an impossible task.

"Come back to bed," he pleaded. "Tell me what you've been up to while I'm inside you."

Glaring at him, Amara was tempted to move under him and feel the weight of his body. Some part of her was holding her back, knowing that as soon as he left she would regret letting him in.

"I can't. I have to go to the gym before I head to work."

"Take the day off."

"No." She shook her head. "I can't. They'll cut it out of my pay and I need the money."

"Are you still mad that I left without a proper goodbye?"

Bakari watched her with hopeful, piercing scrutiny that made her tingle, she felt so...seen. It angered her, even more, to think about how he left.

"You left me a note, Bakari. I mean... Did I not deserve a better explanation than a note? You couldn't have called me? You couldn't have given me some sort of chance to like... change your mind? Don't you think you owed me that? You thought that little of me that you couldn't have just called me."

"Why?" He sat. "We weren't in a relationship. We had a lot of sex, Amara, and that was it."

"Come on, we were more than that and you know it. We were there for each other when no one cared to. We talked. I deserved a call."

"I'm sorry. I didn't think you would care. I thought we were both very clear about what we needed from each other."

"We were." She bit into her lower lip and dragged, trying to focus on her feet instead of his face. "I realized something when you left. I'm not capable of detached relationships. I always feel like a freak for not being able to move on quick enough. Each relationship, when it ends, damages me. I never really recover. That's why I'm careful these days about getting involved because it hurts too much."

"You're not a freak. We just needed different things."

"Is that why you left? Because loving someone and being loved meant more to me than it did to you."