Hamilton Angst Oneshots

Suicide Note [Thaurens]

TRIGGER WARNING
-CUTTING/SELF HARM-
-SUICIDE ATTEMPT-
-BLOOD-

Thomas stood in the bathroom, staring at his own reflection. His fiance wasn't due home for another hour, and he could feel his mind begin to spiral.

John was the one who usually kept him sane during these episodes, but he wasn't there. He was rarely there anymore. With johns career starting to kick off, Thomas found himself alone more and more often. And it was killing him. Every day, he longed for johns presence next to hum while watching a movie.. Or to look and see him sitting in front of him during dinner. He longed for his voice.. His touch.. His everything.

As he stood there, staring into the mirror, Thomas finally broke. The dulled chocolate brown globes that were his eyes quickly filled with tears, but before he could even let a tear fall he was turning to the bathtub. He turned it on so that warm water began began to slowly fill it. The sound was quiet to him as his thoughts began to jumble and scream in his mind. He then made his way to the desk in their shared bedroom, where a previously written suicide note lay.

He picked up a small bag that was laid beside the note and went back to the bathroom. He pulled off his sweatshirt before grabbing one of the razors from inside of the bag.

In the hazy state that he was in, he had forgotten to lock the bathroom door before sinking into the warm water.

He stared at his bare arms, his gaze tracing each and every cut and scar already made on them. As he looked, an immense feeling of self loathing washed over him.

"You're so fucking pathetic...!" He yelled as he hit the side of the tub, his hand clenching around the razor. Blood began to trickle from the wound as his voice grew shaky. "Not even your fiance wants to spend time with you...!"

At this, tears began to pour down his cheeks.

His thoughts were a clouded mess, but one was able to peak through, if only for a moment.

John.

How was he going to react to this..?

Thomas tried to rationalize his thoughts, tried to find a reason not to do this. But his mind was set.

This was the only outcome he could think of in his mind. No matter what happened... He would die eventually... So why not now?

He took a shaky breath before breathing out "I'm sorry.."

He then slashed his wrist with the razor.

He was so consumed in his wish for death that he hadn't heard the front door open.

John had decided to surprise Thomas by coming home early from work. He had noticed that Thomas seemed off lately. Like something was bothering him.. He wasn't his usual cheerful self. And he blamed himself for it.

He had been staying at work later than usual, and the two rarely got to spend quality time together.

So when he came in and didn't see thomas in his usual spit, he grew a little worried. Every thursday Thomas would sit down and watch reruns of friends while eating mac and cheese.

He frowned as he took off his shoes and his jacket, putting the items up after.

"Thomas...?" He called out as he went to look through the rooms on the downstairs floor. When he passed the stairs though, he paused. He could hear the bathtub running.

He let out a sigh of relief and said quietly to himself, "he's taking a bath... There's no-" he stopped suddenly as a thought popped into his head.

'THOMAS DOESN'T TAKE BATHS'

a feeling of dread filled his chest as he quickly made his way upstairs. He went into their room, but before he could reach the bathroom door, a paper on the desk caught his eye.

He gently took the paper into his hands, and felt his heart stop. He let it fall from his fingers after reading a few of the words that were hastily scrawled onto the paper.

'Im so so sorry John... I can't do this anymore...'

He ran to the bathroom as his vision quickly became blurry from the tears. He assumed the worst, and his assumptions were correct.

As he opened the door, he let out an ear piercing scream.

Thomas was laying in the bathtub, an arm hanging from the side as blood dripped to the floor. Tears were still actively falling down his cheeks and his chest was heaving just slightly, and so john knew he was still alive.

He rushed over to the dying man and reached his arms into the water, grabbing Thomas and somehow managing to heave him out of the water. He then grabbed his phone and dialed 911 before starting to frantically apply pressure to the wounds to stop them from bleeding.

"911, wha-"

John quickly cut off the dispatcher, since he knew exactly what to say.

"We need an ambulance to 1729 orchid street as soon as possible. My fiance tried to k-kill himself and he's currently bleeding from multiple wounds on both his arms.."

He spoke in a steady voice so that the dispatcher could understand his words. As he spoke he continued to apply pressure to thomas's wounds with one hand as he cupped his cheek with the other. He looked into his eyes and teared up again.

"T-tommy.. You cant leave me... Not yet... Im so so so sorry... Its all my fault.. A-all my f-fault.." His voice was shaky and broke at the end before he started to sob. He continued to speak to thomas in an attempt to keep his eyes on him... To keep him awake.

Just as the paramedics came into the bathroom, Thomas grabbed johns hand weakly and whispered "I'm sorry..."

John's eyes widened as his fiances eyes began to close and he started to sob even harder.

"T-t-tommy..! N-no..! You can't leave me... Wake up! W-wake up!"

He had to be physically pulled away from Thomas so that the paramedics could take him away on the stretcher.

At this point, John was collapsed on the bathroom floor, watching as his fiance was taken away from him. The paramedics were performing cpr and applying pressure to his wounds, as another one crouched next to John.

The woman was asking him questions, but he was so out of it that he couldn't comprehend that she was even there.

"H-hes g-gone..! H-he left me all a-alone and.. And..." His throat tightened and he found that he couldn't talk anymore.

He was covered in thomas's blood as he was helped up by the woman.

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Word count: 1127