I didn’t expect to get back on the train this early.
My hands are shaking. The intercoms are blaring with warnings.
“This is a safety warning. All passengers must remain calm inside the train. I repeat: all passengers must remain calm inside the train. There is no immediate threat. This is your safety warning.”
The more I wipe them on my jeans, the sweatier my palms get. I stare directly at the seat across from me and focused on breathing. As tears keep welling up in my eyes, I try my best to not make a scene. But my short breaths and quiet hyperventilating was already catching the attention of a few others sitting by.
A sudden breeze sweeps through me. I tug on the edge of my jacket and curl my legs in before I try my best to tuck myself into the corner of that seat. Every muscle in me is giving up, but still tense.
It’s okay, I thought, you’ll be okay.
No I won’t.
Alright, but at least you’re alive.
I feel a tear trickle down my cheek, and just shut my eyes tight to let them all out. My body is racking with my sobs, but I could care less who’s watching. I’ve grown past that point.
My mind drifts far from the present.
Three years ago, I got out my dad’s car one-strapping my backpack on top my blue military jacket. As I was approaching the steps to the front entrance of my school, my eyes shift to someone walking towards the door the same pace I was. He wore a black pea coat and jeans. We held our eye contact for about one second before I dropped my gaze.
Two years ago, I was skyping with Neil.
“We look nothing alike.”
“Yeah, you guys kinda do to be honest!”
“I don’t know how you see it; no one has ever said we look alike.”
“Well, I just do.”
He chuckled a bit. “It’s funny, here we are working on a French assignment together when last year he failed grade ten French.”
“Oh my god, really?” My face lit up more than it was before.
“Yeah.”
“Wow.”
Ten months ago, I stood at the back of the science classroom, behind a lab counter, peering through a microscope, trying to copy partilcle by particle of a stem cell. Through the corner of my eye, I saw a black figure walk past the counter and move towards the front of the classroom. As I glanced up to see who it was, he turned his head towards me. My mind came to a halt for two seconds.
“Hey, have you got that announcement written up for our club?” He turned back.
“Yes, miss.”
I haven’t seen him for six months. I’m surprised I accomplished so much during those six months that it got me where I am today. It’s just strange how things never work for me.
I always tell myself not to get my hopes up. To lower my expectations. And this time, even though I had no reason, to, I was able to actually do what I’ve been telling myself for the past four years. Yet, I’m still disappointed. Life still failed me. I don’t know what I did to deserve this.
All I wanted was to hold that gaze again.
YOU ARE READING
A Fountain of Failed Opportunities
RomanceShe always believed in fate. After two eventless years, Jackie finally gets over her long-term crush Ari when he graduated high school and began studying in a different city. Everything is going fine: it's her senior year, she's satisfied with th...