A Fountain of Failed Opportunities

Prologue

I didn’t expect to get back on the train this early.

My hands are shaking.  The intercoms are blaring with warnings.

“This is a safety warning.  All passengers must remain calm inside the train.  I repeat: all passengers must remain calm inside the train.  There is no immediate threat.  This is your safety warning.”

The more I wipe them on my jeans, the sweatier my palms get.  I stare directly at the seat across from me and focused on breathing.  As tears keep welling up in my eyes, I try my best to not make a scene.  But my short breaths and quiet hyperventilating was already catching the attention of a few others sitting by.      

A sudden breeze sweeps through me.  I tug on the edge of my jacket and curl my legs in before I try my best to tuck myself into the corner of that seat.  Every muscle in me is giving up, but still tense.

It’s okay, I thought, you’ll be okay. 

No I won’t. 

Alright, but at least you’re alive.

I feel a tear trickle down my cheek, and just shut my eyes tight to let them all out.  My body is racking with my sobs, but I could care less who’s watching.  I’ve grown past that point. 

My mind drifts far from the present. 

Three years ago, I got out my dad’s car one-strapping my backpack on top my blue military jacket.  As I was approaching the steps to the front entrance of my school, my eyes shift to someone walking towards the door the same pace I was.  He wore a black pea coat and jeans.  We held our eye contact for about one second before I dropped my gaze. 

 Two years ago, I was skyping with Neil.

“We look nothing alike.”

“Yeah, you guys kinda do to be honest!”

“I don’t know how you see it; no one has ever said we look alike.”

“Well, I just do.” 

He chuckled a bit.  “It’s funny, here we are working on a French assignment together when last year he failed grade ten French.” 

“Oh my god, really?”  My face lit up more than it was before. 

“Yeah.”

“Wow.”

Ten months ago, I stood at the back of the science classroom, behind a lab counter, peering through a microscope, trying to copy partilcle by particle of a stem cell.  Through the corner of my eye, I saw a black figure walk past the counter and move towards the front of the classroom.  As I glanced up to see who it was, he turned his head towards me.  My mind came to a halt for two seconds.  

“Hey, have you got that announcement written up for our club?”  He turned back.

“Yes, miss.”

I haven’t seen him for six months.  I’m surprised I accomplished so much during those six months that it got me where I am today.  It’s just strange how things never work for me. 

I always tell myself not to get my hopes up.  To lower my expectations.  And this time, even though I had no reason, to, I was able to actually do what I’ve been telling myself for the past four years.  Yet, I’m still disappointed.  Life still failed me.  I don’t know what I did to deserve this.      

All I wanted was to hold that gaze again.