By @skyemakaylynnhill
Surprise from @funhouse2004
The first thing I noticed was how many questions you used. You used about 5/6 all in one paragraph which can really turn the audience off as it seems too repetitive. Keep the questions to 3 max per section and it will seem a bit more critical.
The second thing I noticed was the instant connection to the character. The reader automatically is pulled in and is rooting for them and is sympathetic towards them. Good work!
When you describe your movement it seems really choppy. You repeat the movements through I did this, then I did that Which becomes boring for the reader. I challenge you to try and do description without using as many I prounouns. Try limit actioning using the pronoun to 2 per paragraph.
I love the picture visuals! I just wish I saw them at the start instead of the end of the first chapter as it can contradict visuals in the readers head.
There is a spelling mistake in the first chapter of tot he which should be to the.
I love love LOVE the voice of the mother! Very authentic and just the right amounts of each personality! However for the doctor I think they shouldn't be using the word dear and if they do not as much because it seems I proffessional for a doctor to do that to me.
In the second chapter try to break up the paragraphs a bit more as it can be hard to focus on when reading. Especially for people with a short attention span like me!
All in all a good book! Would definitley go give it a read. I would say it has lots of potential! Just needs a few tweeks and you are all good!
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