Tall, Dark & Obnoxious

Episode ONE

Pat

Glancing down at her dinging phone, Pat made a point to frown. Her sister Bell was already smirking. Pat picked up the phone again, only this time she dumped it in her purse without reading the text.

"Aren't you gonna read it?"

"No." Pat picked up baby Romeo from his crib. "All that man ever wants to do is argue. He always has to get the last word in, too."

"What's there to argue about?" Bell continued to smirk, even as she pulled the bedding off the baby's crib. "And I didn't realize you two texted this often."

"We don't." Pat lifted her chin. "It's an isolated incident. Only reason he's gone on and on today is because the only time I'd even chatted with him—here when you had that barbeque for Art—the subject of making tamales came up. I mentioned the shortcuts I've perfected that make the whole process that much easier. He asked if I could text him the recipe along with my shortcuts, so I agreed. No biggie." Pat rolled her eyes as she lulled the baby in her arms. "If I'd known he was expecting me to walk him through the whole thing, I never would've."

"Max's making tamales right now?"

Pat's phone dinged three times in a row. "Yes, and it's why he's been blowing up my phone. 'Is the masa supposed to be so sticky? The cooking chile is making me and Manny cough up our lungs. Manny says he heard you were evil and you tricked us. The smoke alarm went off again. I'm down to two good fingers.'"

Bell laughed as she put the clean bedding on the crib. "Aw, Pat. Don't be mean. He's probably in a pickle. Don't ignore him. I've been on the phone non-stop with mom lots of times when I've made something I don't cook often."

Pat shook her head defiantly. "Did you not hear the stuff he's texting me? They're not all questions. He's giving me the blow-by-blow of everything he's doing. I don't have time to respond to every one of his nonsensical texts."

Putting the baby down in the crib when Bell motioned for her to, Pat remembered something. "Which reminds me I have to stop at the store still, so I think I'm gonna go now."

"Really? You can't stay for dinner? I'm making caldo de res."

"Umm, sounds good." Pat smiled. "But I'll have to take a raincheck. I have some litigation papers I need to go over before I'm in court tomorrow."

Bell started to walk Pat out, after giving the baby a bottle. "Mommy's walking auntie out," Bell said to Amanda, who was on the sofa watching TV. "Just stay there until I get back in."

"No, don't leave her alone," Pat insisted hoping to keep Bell from walking her out. "I'm good."

"She'll be fine," Bell said, motioning Pat along.

Pat had a feeling Bell was up to something. When they were far enough away from Bell's parrot daughter, who repeated everything she heard, Pat got confirmation of what she'd been suspicious of.

"You know Max is a really sweet guy."

"Bell—"

"I'm just saying. He's always reminded me of that actor mom likes so much." She paused to think about it for a moment then snapped her fingers. "Guillermo Zapata, but in his younger years—" Bell stopped when Pat turned and gave her a look. "I mean younger as in his mid-forties. Zapata is in his fifties now, I think. Max isn't that old. But not everything is about looks, right? Max is also hilarious and—"

"You're wasting your time, Bell."

"Why? I think you two would be great together."

"Excuse me?" Pat opened her car door, scowling at her sister. "The man is an incorrigible foul-mouthed owner of a topless bar. On what planet would we be great together?"