Tall, Dark & Obnoxious

Episode FIVE

Max

Placing his toolbox on the counter in the kitchen, Max walked over to the dishwasher, frowning when he saw no one had bothered turning it on. So, he took Patricia's container out and grabbed a sponge from the sink. Moe and Manny walked into the kitchen just as Max finished washing the container.

"I thought you said you were ready when I called?" Moe asked in the usual impatient tone he took with Manny. "You do this every time."

"I had to take a shit!" Manny retorted. "And you know I always have to change my underoos after." Manny turned to Max. "Where you going?"

"Patricia's."

"Again?"

Max motioned to the toolbox. "Her dryer needs fixing."

Moe smirked, taking in the toolbox. "Resorting to doing odd jobs now to get laid?"

Of course, that had Manny instantly chuckling. "Yeah, right. You'd need the jaws of life to pry that uptight bitch's legs open."

Shaking off what almost felt like irritation, Max turned to Manny. "Easy. Who said she's a bitch?"

"This one." Manny pointed at Moe with his thumb. "Many times. Tell 'em before he gets any crazy idears about your sister-in-law."

For a moment Moe looked confused; then his eyes went wide. "Patric—? You mean Pat? Izzy's sister Pat?"

"Yeah, so?" Max finished drying the container with a kitchen towel.

"You're going to her house?" Moe's eyes went even wider as he turned to Manny. "And this isn't the first time?"

"He was there all fucking day yesterday."

"Not all day." Max frowned. "Few hours."

"Please tell me you're not hitting that shit." Moe looked completely exasperated. "I'll never hear the end of it if you fuck with her and then—"

"I'm not hitting shit," Max said as that odd flustered sensation continued to overwhelm him.

"Well, there's a surprise." Manny laughed.

"She was showing me how to make tamales."

"Yeah." Manny started up with the wheezing laugh. "After he tricked her and then invited himself over."

"How'd you trick her?" Moe looked ready to spit. "I may not be crazy about the bitch, but I gotta deal with—"

"Can you both stop calling her a bitch," Max raised his voice, and there was no question about it now—this did piss him off. "She's not as bad as everyone says, and by everyone, I mean you, Moe. Manny don't know shit about her."

Manny and Moe both stared at him, looking flabbergasted. "Max." Manny said, for once appearing speechless and said nothing more.

"You're into Pat?" Moe asked, looking . . . appalled?

"I'm just saying she's not so bad." Max shrugged, picking up his toolbox. "I spent a few hours with her yesterday, and sure, she can be a little . . . feisty, but rattling her cage and getting her all worked up is amusing as shit."

"How'd you trick her?" Moe demanded.

Max explained how he tried but totally fucked up her tamale recipe and how Manny's fat ass still ate one. "He nearly broke a tooth, biting into an olive pit I put in it. So, I told him to take off his veneers so I could take a picture of his chipped ass teeth and—"

"One chip, asshole."

Glad to see Moe easing up as the humor danced in his eyes, Max went on. "I sent it to her and told her that happened because of her tamale recipe."