If You Never Meant It

Prologue

Prologue:

I looked at her, my body trembling.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

 I was seventeen for Gods' sake; this wasn’t on my game plan.

She stirred in her sleep and my heart began to pound that little bit harder. I wanted to be the person who saved her. I wanted to be the man that she needed. But that was the problem; I wasn't a man, I was a boy.

A selfish and hot-headed boy. 

I didn't want to be tied down by her or her problems. I wanted to leave and go to University and live my life. And I couldn’t do that with her in tow.

That was the reason my bags were waiting for me at the door. You see, this was only supposed to be a fleeting visit; a passing goodbye to the girl I had spent months caring about. Perhaps if she had been awake, I might have been persuaded to stay; I could never say no to her huge grey eyes.

There was no denying that I was going to miss her. Her laugh would probably be the thing I would think about the most. Not that I had heard it in a while.

I watched her sleeping for a couple more minutes, concentrating on the steady rise and fall of her chest. How could she be so peaceful, when days before she had been like a lit firework? There was never anything in the leaflets about how different she would be, or how it would feel for me to have to see her go through it.

I felt a lump rise in the back of my throat but I swallowed, painfully forcing it down. Taking a deep breath, I got to my feet, walking towards the door.

"Simon?"

It was strange that her small, soft voice had enough power to make me stop in my tracks. The sound reverberated around my head, causing the fine hair on the back of my neck to stand to attention. Every flipping time…

"Go back to sleep, babes," I whispered, trying to keep my voice even. "I was just seeing if you were okay." I saw her smile faintly and then fall against her pillow, closing her eyes once more.

Waiting until her breaths had slowed, I quickly left, closing the door quietly behind me. But as soon as the click of the door rang out, her mother appeared at the top of the stairs, arms folded across her chest and a scowl set on her face.

"So that's it," she whispered, careful not to raise her voice. "You’re one of the only people she can count on, and you’re going to walk away?"

"I left a note," I mumbled lamely. Instead of slapping me across the face – because God knew, she was considering it – her lip curled into a sneer, looking me up and down with an expression of pure contempt.

"A note?" she hissed. "Is that all she's worth? A poxy note? I knew this would happen. I knew, as soon it got too tough, you would leave."

I winced, her words echoing around my head.

"I'm sorry.”

At my muttered response, she tutted scornfully, but didn't try to stop me as I moved past her. It was all the confirmation I needed; I jogged down the stairs and picked up my bags, trying to ignore the image of Rudi that kept flashing in my mind.

Her smile.

Her beautiful eyes.

Her long red hair...

I wanted to turn around and storm back up the stairs, to barge into her room and kiss her like there was no tomorrow. But I didn't. Because I saw no point. Even if I did, she would still be the same.

She would still be mad.

So with my teeth gritted, my hand found the door handle. The battle with the images of the girl upstairs was won, and my victorious brain did a lap of honour around my slightly tortured heart. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

And walked out of her life without a second glance.