If You Never Meant It

Chapter 11

Chapter 11

It was a wonder that anyone could stand hospitals. The clinical smell that lingered in your nose long after you had left the building. The way your shoes screeched on the vinyl floor as you raced down the corridor to find your loved one. The mind numbing disappointment when you realised that they’re so much worse than everyone prepared you for.

I stared at Rudi’s bed, gripping tightly onto her hand. She had been lucky, they said; if she’d had more tablets in her packet, it could have been so much worse. Maybe I should have been counting my blessings that she had been telling the truth when she said she’d taken them.

But at least she was alive.

That was the thought that I was clinging to when we were riding in the ambulance; the fact that she was still breathing, still moving, still groaning…they were all signs of life, no matter what.

“Why did you do this?” I murmured quietly, kissing the scarred skin of her hand. “Why did you want to leave?” My stomach dropped slightly as the realisation hit; I could have lost Rudi for good tonight. If Damian hadn’t needed the toilet when he did, she could have died on the bathroom floor and I’d have been none the wiser until the next morning.

Tears.

They were starting to build up, forcing themselves up, further and further until they spilled down my face.

“I love you, you stupid, stupid, girl,” I whispered quietly, holding onto her. “Don’t you dare leave me here…not now we have each other.” The tears dropped onto her face, her peaceful, innocent-looking face. Her skin was so white now, her lips blending into the rest of the skin.

“I told you I’d stay,” I said, starting to sober. “I told you I wasn’t going to leave again, and I meant it. I don’t care if it takes you months to get back on top of things, I’m going nowhere.

“Because I understand now, Rudi,” I breathed. “I understand why you wanted me back; when you love someone, you give second chances, you come back to them. Even when they’re so, so stupid as to try and get away. I understand…I want to stay…I-I just need you to stay too, sweetheart.”

The last words were so rushed and choked, I was pretty sure that no-one else could decipher what was being said. But that didn’t matter, so long as the only person the words were meant for knew it loud and clear.

As long as Rudi knew that I had no doubts.

My lips rested themselves against her forehead, I breathed her in, savouring her sweet scent which, for now, remained untainted by the stench of chemicals from the hospital.

“Oh God, not you.”

I turned in my seat, eyes widening.

Why on earth had I not seen this coming?

Rudi’s mother swept up the ward, her long coat dragging along behind her. I hadn’t seen her since…God knows, but I knew that, as soon as I opened my mouth, she would tell me to bugger off and leave Rudi alone.

“What have you done to her this time, hmm?” she demanded, sitting down at the opposite side of the bed. “Is it not enough that you have to ruin her life the first time, that you have to do it a second?”

Sighing, I leaned back.

“Nice to see you too.”

She snorted derisively, checking Rudi over.

“Have the doctors been round?”

“No.”

“Have you asked?”

“No.”

“Oh for God’s sake,” she snapped, stalking back down the aisle between the beds again, looking like a woman on a mission.

“Help me, Rudi,” I whispered, a grin tugging at my lips. “Your mum’s going to eat me!”

She stirred slightly, eyes fluttering open. The sharpness was gone from them, replaced with a dull substitute, no doubt provided by the amount of pills she’d taken. But at least she was awake.

“Hello, lovely,” I murmured, stroking her hair. “Nice of you to join us.”

Rudi’s eyes widened, her hand tangling itself in the sleeve of my jacket. I moved next to her, careful not to catch her drip.

“S-Simon? Simon, I don’t remember what happened?”

The confusion on her face fractured my heart slightly, but I was in two minds about whether or not I should tell her. Christ, could a doctor not come and give me some training on how to break the news to a suicide patient about what they did?

I suppose I may have been quite thankful, then, when Rudi’s mum came back into the ward, hastily followed by a doctor.

“Oh, Ruth, what on earth have you been doing to yourself?” her mother cooed, wrapping her arms tentatively around Rudi. “I knew going to University was only going to cause problems. You should have listened to me, sweetpea.”

“Erm, Ms. Radcliffe, perhaps this isn’t the time?” the doctor suggested, smiling at Rudi. She hesitantly smiled back, holding her head sheepishly.

Rudi’s mum shook her head in disbelief but went quiet, obviously wanting to know what had happened as much as Rudi did.

“You overdosed on your prescription, Ruth,” the doctor told her firmly, standing at the bottom of her bed. “Luckily, it wasn’t as serious as it could be; however, I’m going to refer you to the psychiatric ward here in the hospital while they run tests.”

Rudi stared at him before closing her eyes in defeat.

“We think that…your bipolar disorder was a misdiagnosis,” he continued. “Which would explain why the tablets you were taking weren’t having the desired effect.”

“S-So it wasn’t my fault?” Rudi mumbled, looking up hopefully.

The doctor shook his head.

“It would appear not, but we’re going to keep you under observation, and help you get to the bottom of this, okay?”

Rudi nodded, eyes starting to fill as I pulled her closer.

“Hear that? You’re going to get help…” I whispered, kissing her hair as she nodded.

And suddenly, none of the shit that had happened mattered as much. Rudi and I…we could get through whatever life threw at us. Mothers, mental illnesses, accidental fiancées; Rudi and I were just going to rocket through them all.

Because we all we really needed…

Was each other.