Poems

the best thing that ever happened to me turned me blue

The best thing that ever happened to me lit me up in the dark, and I stared at it

My cheeks flushed bright red and my skin pale

Eyes sunken in and my pupils dilated, like I was caught somewhere I wasn't supposed to be
Doing something I wasn't supposed to do

But that couldn't be right, I was right where I'd always been,
My bed was in the corner,
My things were scattered across the floor,
I'd been living here for as long as I could remember
Or as long as I wanted to remember.

When the best thing that ever happened to me walked into the place I'd been living, I wish I could tell you I welcomed it

Wish I could say the light it'd shown on me was warm, and nurturing, but it doesn't feel this way.

It is cold and bright
The way it works with the darkness to cast shadows behind every imperfection
Until I am nothing but a landscape full of trees, and mud and insects,

Until every imperfection that has made me a museum of mistakes
Has made me a perfect example of how bad given to bad turns to worse,
That has made me imperfect
And unloveable

Is shown under the light of all that is holy and good,
To be gazed upon by the only creatures who know the truth of good and evil

Like sunlight on God's green earth, I am a perfect example of all that God is not and could never be,
Imperfect, and painfully perceivable.

When the best thing that ever happened me sees this, they do not run
Nor do they shield their eyes from the terrible sight,
They sit down with me in the dark

When they're on the ground with me, I can no longer see them as better or as worse than me, or as good and evil

Painfully perceivable, they sit in front of me.
I have never had to look anything in the eyes before this

This is how the best thing that ever happened to me turns me red,
By taking off my pale skin,
Ripping out my guts and placing them gently on the cloth
And as I bleed out, it's as if they see only blood,
Only my body for what it is, not what it could mean. My insides have never seen the light before.

This is how the best thing that ever happened to me turns me purple.
By leaving me bruised and bloody, walking away like they never broke a single bone

Then, I guess they haven't. I only tear myself apart, they only watch. Unbiased and unblinking

On my own, and by their side I crawl out of my home, in this way, they have taught me how to be like water

Like the ocean
I say I am unknowable and they say
no, you are unfathomable. Too multifaceted and too complex to be known by anybody, even you

I say I am unpredictable and still somehow all too much the same and they say
No, you are all one being. Forever changing shape and forever the same. You are always you and you are always different,

I say won't this make it impossible to find a home

They say no,
The best thing that's ever happened to me says No,
You will never have to find a home, you are a home. As long as you're here and living and moving you are home.

I say I don't want to live like I was and they say you already never will because you are never the same and always at home

I say what did I do to deserve you? Is this enough for you?

They say you are not a finite recourse. You have always been you. You are all that you need and you are all that I want and everything will change forever as long as you stay the same

I say, I am scared

They say, you are the same.

I ask if this makes me like water they say
you have never been water. You have always been the same. I don't have all the answers. Is that enough for you?