Struck By You

Reflect.

If I could have spoken to my future self at that moment, she could have saved me from the agony.

I wish she could have told me about the events that repeated over and over while stuck in those tiny, un-air-conditioned rooms at Riverside Hill.

Dear young Jo,
         Stop thinking about him. You know who I'm talking about. My one piece of advice? Just be yourself. I wish you would be yourself in the many rooms you will spend inside with him at school. Just be yourself at school dances, clubs, ANYTHING SCHOOL RELATED, even eighth-grade graduation. I wish you would stop wasting your energy on this stupid boy. I wish you would stop waiting for him to care about you. Living in fear at school will only make it worse. Even at the damn beach or the Riverside Mall with your friends, just be yourself. Fuck John Lewis. 
     You might be wondering if it got worse. No. After that day in the lunchroom, you tried to move on. You tried to ignore the piercing nervousness every time he walked in the room, every time his name was announced on the loudspeakers for his win at the ball game, and every time his friend's saw you in the hall, even when he wasn't there, you still saw his eyes. His laugh, from across the room shattered your eardrums as if he was right beside you. To get away you distracted yourself. Straight A student became your nickname as you tackled assignments left and right. Teachers loved you. At least he didn't distract you from getting what you wanted. You joined clubs, befriended new people, and held Catherine, Yasmine, and of course, Josh close, even if he did fuck your teen years up. Apart from school, the four of you always stood together. You never knew it, but one of those days at school would be the last you would be friends.

As for yourself? You slowly became a better version of yourself every year. You started to wear makeup, look for other boys, and even dressed cuter. (Thanks for ditching the converse, they were ugly). Masked behind that smile though, there was a disappointed frown. Although everything was placed in front of you, he was the one boy that got away. Another boy's preyed for your attention but you didn't care, of course. Waiting for graduation day, When the death bell's final warning rang, you felt of relief and a heavyweight release from your chest. You thought you were free. You probably wonder if this situation will get any easier. Slowly it will.

So stop thinking about what he's going to wear that day, or what he's having for lunch or what his friends say about you, just focus on yourself. I wish I could have paid more attention to weekends with the crew, family events, and even other boys. I wish I could have been there 100%. But you didn't listen to your friends and your parents as you tried so hard to get his attention. I wish I was there to tell you to stop.