Gone

Raymond

Tourment. Mental agony. I would never say these things out loud, because I'm grateful of what I've achieved and made of myself. But life hasn't cut me any slack. It's beginning to affect me too much. I can't sleep, I barely eat, and my self image is down the drain.

At age 12, my dad passed away. Seeing my mom break in half and never recover changed the path of the adult I was becoming. Having to become the man of the house as a child was hard. My heart was so cold from losing so much so fast. Once I finally let myself open up to someone, what happens? That someone cheats on me. Three years of emotional manipulation and being unfaithful. I try my best to stay optimistic, but how could I, when life decides to beat you upside the head. Jade was a great girlfriend at first. She learned all my hobbies, interests, pet peeves, and habits I didn't even know I had (apparently I snore like a freight train). She was the first woman I ever loved, and I was ready to propose. In fact, it was out ring shopping that I spotted her with another man, enjoying a meal all cuddled up close. I felt betrayed, sick, and more importantly, fucking worthless. So I left. I went straight back to our apartment in downtown Greenville, packed her things, and set them outside the door. Sure, she knocked and knocked, screaming and crying and apologizing for the next two days straight. Or at least, that's what the landlord relayed to me. I changed the locks and stayed with my mom for the week. I understand what I did was brutal. The thing is, I know my tendencies, and I know I couldn't just hear her out. I loved her too much. But love wasn't enough. I need respect, and she couldn't provide. I essentially ghosted her, and life has been hell ever since. It's like some really fucking bad karma.

The first person I called when I got back to a half empty apartment was my best friend Hadley. We'd been best friends since I met her at the strip club she works at. Nothing romantic ever went on between us, but I knew from the minute I met her that we were gonna click. Part of me wonders if this is how it'll be. Old and cranky Raymond and Hadley, bitching about the crickets making too much noise on a shared front porch someday. Today, even two months after my breakup with Jade, I'm happy to hear Hadley's encouraging banter and know that at least I can count on her company when these four walls start caging me in.

"Frankly, I'm thrilled to be the only feminine creature in the group again. You know I like all the attention on me", Hadley wasn't kidding.
"Yeah well you can get used to it, I think that was my last shot at the whole relationship thing" I sigh.
"Don't bullshit yourself. Jade wasn't for you. Someone else will be, so quit frowning so much, ya look wrinkly".
I can always count on Hadley to give it to me straight, which I think is why she fits in with me and the guys so well. She's no drama. And that's exactly what I need.

Naturally, that no drama streak lasted about two seconds before an old friend shoots me a text, begging me to come to some speed dating event for his company. If I didn't love Nick so much, I'd make up some shitty excuse and sit my happy ass on my couch. But we've been friends since we were in diapers, so I'm not going to pass up the chance to see him. Even if it means potentially opening up some wounds.
Throwing some basic shit in an overnight bag, I'm in the car and on my way up the mountain no more than an hour later. I connect my phone to the radio and start my podcast on The Fall of Rome, part two. History is not only my passion, but the thing that zens me out, allowing my head to clear and reset. Had life turned out differently, I'd be teaching it in a university setting, or in the field researching it. But for now, I'm working a couple part time retail jobs to get by. Not that I don't enjoy them, but it's not my ideal career. Jade and I had planned to go back to school together after we got married, but shit changes.
I shake my head in an effort to clear out any painful memories of what ultimately broke me. I'm 45 minutes into my trip to Nick, and I've got a little ways to go, so I can't let these thoughts get a hold of me.
When I finally arrive at what looks like an abandoned warehouse, I take a deep breath and walk inside the double doors covered in vines of tiny leaves. It wasn't until I was inside that I realized the "abandoned" theme must've been on purpose, because this place was decked out in a bunch of plants and earthy tones, a setting I would typically enjoy. But I'm not my typical self.
I spot Nick among a group of men all dressed similarly to me, a button up and dress pants. Although I look a bit more unkept; my beard has grown out a bit more than usual, along with my dad bod, that is well on its way to surpassing trendy and landing straight at he let himself go. None of that matters though, because tonight I'm not interested in entertaining any of the beautiful women in this room. I'm here for Nick, but I'll play along until the end of the night when we can crack open some beers and binge out on hot wings.
"Long time no see", I joke, slapping Nick on the back with a genuine smile.
"Raymond! My man. You doin good?"
Nick was always the outgoing type, while I preferred to keep to myself most of the time. The cool part of our friendship was that he brought out the little sliver of extroversion that I had in me.
After roaming around, being introduced to Nick's crew, ignoring his subtle hints about getting back out there and "Oh, have I introduced you to this beautiful woman yet", I take a seat in the corner of the room.
Letting out a breath I didn't know I was holding in, I look up from my seat and see the most captivating woman I've ever laid eyes on. She had just walked in the door and suddenly I'm finding it hard to blink. She's flaunting beautiful hazel eyes that are gleaming in the streak of light shining in from the ceiling, and a smile that could knock down a grown man with one flash of her pearly whites. With her curvy figure, high cheekbones and perfectly sculpted shoulders she let peek out from her fiery dress, she resembled a greek goddess. I wanted nothing more than to run my less than perfect, calloused hands through her hair and along her face, ending up at her perfectly plump, yet gentle looking lips.
Finally we locked eyes, and the rest of the room disappeared. I swear our souls had latched onto each other at that exact moment. Desperately needing to hear her voice, confirm that soul tie that I know is there, I stand to approach her. I have no idea what I'll say or how I'll say it. Hell, at this point I don't even feel in control of my body. My soul has a mind of its own, and it knows what it wants. My first step forward is synchronized with the first beat of the music starting up.
Damn it.
I stop in my tracks and look over at Nick, to see him motioning me over for the start of the speed dating event.
Frustrated but still determined to know her name, I reluctantly head over to the men's side, silently praying I won't have to wait all night to meet the only person I've felt an ounce of anything for in months.