thoughts

Him

When we first met i was broken inside, i was looking for an escape. Talking to you made me happy, so i decided to talk to you more often, you helped me escape and made me feel listened to. although at this time of my life i was under a spell by a crule human that only fuled the bad things i done in life, and my nicotine addiction, they made me talk to you less and less each day, resulting in us not talking at all anymore. we lost touch for about 2 and a half years, in that time you grew your hair to your ass, it was no longer a blonde cute emo cut and then you shaved it all off, you grew like fuck, we were no longer the same height, you towered over me, you changed completely, no longer a little stoner boy but a big sad deweling bubble of heartbreak. when we met again it felt like we never lost touch, you're so easy to talk to and be around, still with the awkward little gestures and smile that at the start you forced upon your face most days. i wanted to kiss you goodbye that day, the day it was just me and you, the wednesday, the first time we hungout alone. i liked you alot and i realised it 3 days prior, the monday we were at an old friends. i wish i realised alot sooner. i always liked you, you made me genuinely happy and continue to to this day. you came to mines the friday and we hung out after i told you i liked you the day before, we were both so awkward and scared, i think we were both scared of being rejected. we watched youtube on your phone for a while as i looked for an excuse to move closer to you but i never found one. you asked me what we were and i responded with im not sure, but deep down i wanted you to say you want to be with me and you wanted a life with me, you said i guess we are together then with a smirk across your face, but you didnt kiss me from the awkward energy between us, i made fun of you for it until you left and as i walked you to the bus stop to which you finally grew balls and kissed me (we both knew i wasnt gonna be the one to kiss you first). i came to your house the day after and we spent the whole day together. since then ive never wanted to be away from you. when i think of you i smile because i finally found somone that i think genuinely cares for me, you never make promises you know you cant keep. you always make sure im ok, you hug me n tell me everythings gonna be ok. i feel free when im with you, no longer scared of what could exist around the next corner. your presence makes me relax and makes me want to cry with happiness, you genuinely make me so happy i cant even explain it. although when im not with you i feel sad, i feel as though i have no purpose, like im never gonna be able to smile, i need you in my life so bad i dont think you actually understand. all i ever want from you is ''love fully attention'' because you make me feel safe n i always wanna feel safe, you say you messed up in april but you didnt, you made us stronger, you showed me no matter what i can always rely on you to be there and that you will never leave. you showed me and continue to show me what real love is, i love you steven xx

the end then came, you did leave. you have now moved on, as have i, although there will always be the one person i love forever and thats never gonna change even after all the things you put me through. i wasnt allowed to wear skirts as other people would look at me, i wasnt allowed to wear makeup because then i was looking for the attention of other people. as our relationship came to its end i needed you and u werent there, you promised to be there for me always. i was on the verge of losing my family and u were no where to be seen when i needed just even a hug. you told me you would be threr but i wasnt a priority to you anymore. you didnt want to be with me for months before we broke up and since talking to my father about it i realise you didnt even love me anymore as we ended. i never saw you anymore, you were always too busy for me. upon further thought, and watlking to your ex pearl who is now the one person i know will always be there for me as will i for her. i realised the same thing happened to her, i just dont understand. are you scared of love, are you scared of commitment. are you scared of waking up in the morning and not liking who you are and the life you life bevause quite frankly so am i