Lost Soul (English Ver.)

Chapter 7

"Sir, Mr.Chu has arrived"

I looked up from the laptop. I saw how grace was fidgeting. She looks pale and could not look at me.

"Tell them to wait for me," I said coldly. Her eyes widened and he immediately protests.

"But Sir-"

"Do I need to repeat myself?" I said dangerously and she knows me too well now that she just nodded her head and excused herself.

I understand her reaction. Mr. Chu is an important client. But I don't care.

They want to invest, then they adjust.

I leaned back in the swivel chair and looked at the emptiness.

I feel numb...

I've been feeling numb for 5 years.

I lost my will to live.

I've been in the darkest for years and it's making me think that I deserve it.
I'm not dead yet but I feel like I'm already in hell. Is this the punishment for disregarding her? For taking her for Granted? For being selfish? I clenched my fist. I gritted my teeth so hard as I felt my eyes sting.

I swallowed the blockage in my throat and closed my eyes tightly.

"Man, it's been years. Look at you"

I did not look at Jorjé and the other gang when they went to my condo. Today is her suppose to be death anniversary.

It's been 3 years since that tragic day. The day my heart and soul died with her. The cans of beer were scattered, my whole condo was messy and out of order.

And I .. I feel like my life is no longer in the direction. My company is failing. My father hates me more than he hates me before.

Now my friends are slipping away. Not because they want to but because I made them.

"Leave me alone," I said in a monotone.

They just shook their heads but did not leave.

I feel cranky even more.

"Dude, we're just here. Come along-"

"I said leave me alone! I don't need you! I don't need any of you!" Mason scolded me for alerting others.

"Woah, guys chill" Quinton immediately grabbed Mason by the shoulder and pulled me away. But Mason's grip on my collar was tight.

"You idiot! And what? What will you do when we leave you? Will you feed your sadness again? Will you commit suicide again?" He screamed in my face.

They were all silent.

T-tell me, do you think Gift will like what you do to yourself? Gift is a lovely and positive girl. She wouldn't like what she's seeing. When s-she was alive. She was trying to fix you, she wouldn't 't like that you're destroying yourself again! " My eyes immediately warmed when I heard her name.

I slowly knelt down and cried silently. Tears dripped down my cheeks.

It's true that I tried hurting myself, killing myself, many times. Especially in the first year But every time that happens I do not know why they always end up finding me and taking me to the hospital on time.

"No. Don't hurt yourself bam. Don't you ever do that okay? Promise me?"

Gift's voices would always echo in my mind. She said those words to me the day I was jealous of that guy named Zed and I hurt her.

"Promise?" I remember her warm smile while lifting her pinky promise.

"Promise" I whispered in the air.

That day I went to the museum I built for her. It's on top of the hill, where you can see the view of the sea in front. This place looks magnificent in the morning. I know she would like it.

I know she loves sunrise so this is where the light will hit when it sets. I picked this place myself and this is where I go when I miss her.

Her body was never found. I didn't give up that easily. Everyone was telling me she's gone. That she will never come back. That it's been a month and it is impossible for her to be alive. I told everyone that maybe someone pushed her, that maybe someone tried to take her life and was all just foul play.

But the CCTV on the bridge and the witnesses themselves proved that it was suicide. That she herself jumped and no one forced her.

Every night I torture myself by watching the CCTV footage of her where she looks back for a second with a sad smile on her face before jumping on the bridge. That's was my last memory of her.

It haunts me, that sad smile, that sorrowful eyes.

I dream of her.

My dreams would always start with beautiful memories we had together but it would always end up in a nightmare. I would wake up late at night catching my own breath, sweating, and crying.

I personally clean this place. I immediately put down a basket of flowers and a plastic bag containing beer and took it out. I eat dinner here while I talk to her about my day.

After cleaning and arranging the flowers I sat on the floor and opened the beer. I immediately emptied seven cans of beer without thinking. I lost my appetite. I don't want to eat anymore.

"Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Bam look at you, you're drunk again" a soft and gentle voice scolded me suddenly.

"Bam!" I immediately stood up and we both almost stumble when I threw myself to her and hugged her tightly.

"Bam" I whispered. My tears automatically rolled down from my eyes.

I felt her hugging me back.

"Bam. I miss you so much. Come back please or better yet take me with you" for I buried my face in the crook of her neck.

I hugged her for half an hour and cried like a child. She did not speak and just hugged me back.

I looked at her and she held my hand.

Her eyes are looking at me with pity.

"Bam .. Please, set me free-"

I did not let her finish her words and just pulled her to hug her even more.

"N-No, no matter how many times you say that. I will never do that. I love you so much bam. Please .. I beg you .. Take me with you. I miss you so much. I'm going crazy".

She stroked my head gently.

"I can't, I'm sorry bam. But remember I love you so much" her voice was slowly fading.

I immediately panicked and faced her.

She was almost just a silhouette.

"Bam! Don't! Stay, please! I need more time with you .. please" I knelt down and touched her cheek.

Oh God, please... Not again.

She gave me a reassuring smile.

"Love again bam. Please let go of me" She whispered and then disappeared completely.

I can feel my heart slowly breaking The pain is unbearable! Every time I get drunk I get to see her. But it doesn't last long.

Our conversation would always end with her telling me to let her go. But I don't want to. I can not do it. I can live like this. Even just in the imagination. Even just a little time. I will see and be with her. I can take that.

Even in the eyes of everyone I have no hope. That I am going crazy. I do not care. I will only love Gifts for the rest of my life.

And there's no one else.

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