clique (clairo)

madzy

i was the first person to arrive in beginner's russian and professor daniel greeted me cordially and quietly. jojo arrived next and she sat next to me, picking the spot sam had chosen last week.

"hey, you're madzy right?" asked jojo, turning to face me.

"yeah. well, in here, i'm anastasia," i joked. she crinkled her nose and smiled softly before responding.

"i'm jojo but i'm maria for an hour and a half every friday," returned jojo. our voices were low and professor daniel didn't seem to here so i decided to pose a question that suddenly popped into my mind.

"did he name us after the romanov sisters? the ones who were killed during the russian revolution?" i questioned. jojo stared ahead blankly.

"i think he did."

sam arrived last today, wearing a plain gray sweatshirt and navy shorts. he walked in subtly, as if he were late even though class wouldn't start for another three minutes.

"I would like to begin with the passage I handed out last class. it's the first in the standard series to begin learning russian. it's an ongoing saga that I hope you will enjoy."

the first part was entitled the letter.

"good morning, alexei. where is nikolai?" questioned ana.

"he has left. on the table, there is a letter for you," replied alexei.

ana approached the table and read the letter.

ana,

when you read this, i will be in siberia. i have lost interest in particle physics. i shall pursue another passion. take care and stay well. i shall see you one day.

your dearest nikolai

the rest of the passage was told in a passive tone like that since we hadn't learned motive words. surprisingly, it wasn't stilted or awkward to read. it was starting to read like a simple telling of a complex plot.

after we had a brief discussion of the passage in english, we began learning how to count to ten. i tried to hide my difficulties with pronunciation but professor collins noticed and paired me with sam, making us retreat to a secluded corner of the room, while everyone else spoke together in a group.

"okay. repeat after me. ah."

"ah."

"dyeen. ah-dyeen." it rolled off of sam's tongue softly rather than in the harsh way our professor said it.

"dyeen. ah-dyeen," i repeated. he smiled at me.

"dva."

"dva."

"is this helping you?" questioned sam. his eyes were focused on mine and didn't have any sign of breaking contact.

"yes." i blinked. his eyes were a deep, dark brown, almost like a never ending pool.

"tree."

"tree." he bit his lip slightly as if reflexively.

"chi."

"chi."

"chi-tih-rye."

"chi-tih-rye." i repeated it slowly and with emphasis on each syllable, a massive contrast to the natural and confident way sam spoke.

we got through the rest of the numbers and i rejoined the rest of the class for a discussion on russian culture.

class seemed to end too soon. i was in the middle of placing my notebook into my bag when i felt a slight tap on my shoulder. i turned around to see that it was sam. he had a blank expression on his face and paused before making a statement.

"i was wondering if you wanted any one on one time for, uh, tutoring and pronunciation. i can work with your schedule," offered sam.

"yes. that would be amazing."

i met with sam monday afternoon, after both of my classes were over. it was around four o'clock and i met him in the campus library. he was focused on his notes with an open textbook next to him.

"hi." he looked up at me and smiled. god, why did he have to smile so much?

"hey. are you ready?"

"yes."

we practiced pronunciation more, of numbers one through ten and the alphabet. after we covered that, we began a discussion of the passage from friday's class.

"ana's not a bad protagonist. people say she's whiny but you can't really blame her," remarked sam.

"really? why do people say that?" i was somewhat intrigued.

"you'll have to keep reading," retorted sam.

at first, we were sitting across from each other, separated by a table, but i took the initiative to sit in the empty spot next to him. we were now close enough that our legs touched gently.

"so, you're a mass comm major?" i nodded in response.

"what do you plan on doing with that?"

"i'm not really sure. i think i might, um, go into news, maybe as a writer or on camera."

"you have a television face," replied sam. i felt my cheeks flush.

i decided to be a little more forward and tapped his foot. he didn't notice.

skipper invited me to his dorm to watch another film, captains courageous.

it was a film about a spoiled, wealthy kid who fell overboard on his dad's yacht and ended up getting rescued by a group of "rough" fishermen, who teach him lessons about the sea and life. i didn't like it.

skipper paid thorough attention to the film, but my mind kept drifting off. i had always been a daydreamer, placing myself into scenarios that were unlikely to happen, but my mind was going a mile a minute. images of sam in the library, first in front of me then next to me. i couldn't stop thinking of the way he spoke, softly and with fluid pronunciation in russian and gently yet slightly assertive in english.

"how'd you like the movie?" skipper's question snapped me back to reality.

"it was okay."

"i preferred the other one he had us watch," replied skipper.

"me too."

i bid skipper good night and went to my dorm and settled in my bed. sandy was fast asleep and lulu's door was closed for the night. i took a quick shower and dried my hair haphazardly. i walked back into my room, dry and naked and put on a sweatshirt and pajama shorts, then climbed into bed.

at first, my sleep was dreamless. black, hazy and peaceful. for some reason, my brain decided to conjure up another dream starring sam.

the two of us were in the library, sitting shoulder to shoulder, except this time, i felt him. he wasn't slightly distant. his shoulder connected with mine naturally and our adjacent knees touched, my bare kneecap touching his trapped in what felt like denim.

i wanted to touch more of him, to hold his hand and find out if he had calluses or if they were soft and smooth. i wanted to place my head in the crane of his neck and let my hair brush against him. but i couldn't. my dream self was paralyzed because even my subconscious knew that it couldn't happen.