Empty.

January 12th.

I would say I woke up, but I didn't actually sleep at all last night. I already know how bad today will be. First lesson is maths, then D.T, french, then english, then drama. I grab my phone off my bedside table.
"Two new messages from Mia"
"@harrypotterfan liked your instagram picture"
"New message from Kate"

I click to open my messages from Mia, one of them asks me if I'm okay, the other asks me about wether i have revised for maths. I type out a message to her and press send. "Hey, yeah I'm fine and yeah I revised a bit, what about you?". I go back and open my message from Kate. "Hey r u ok? Mia txt me saying u weren't. What's up? U can talk to me if u want xx". Ugh, I hate text language, I don't see the point. I type out a cheery reply saying "Hey Kate, yeah I'm fine honestly, just that time of the month again haha x". I feel bad for lying, but if I told her how things were she would probably tell someone or be really worried, neither of which I want.

I stumble out of bed and drag myself upstairs to the bathroom, go inside and slide the lock across on the door. First thing I do is grab the scales and see what it says. Not low enough. I then move over to the sink and start brushing my teeth. Once I'm done I glance in the mirror on the way out - I look awful, the bags under my eyes are so dark and my skin so pale. Ugh I wish I was pretty.

When I'm back in my room I put on my music and turn it up as loud as I can. I'm addicted to this song at the monent, it's by Sia and it's called Breathe Me. I basically listen to it on repeat because I'm that kind of person. I scramble threw my draws and wardrobe until I finally find my uniform. It seriously looks awful on me, I wish we could wear whatever we wanted to it would be so much better. I move to my dressing table and slowly brush out my hair then tie it into a fishtail braid at the side of my head. As i go to check Tumblr for the 5th time this morning I realise that I should have left for school 5 minutes ago. Crap, now I'm going to be late. I shove my books into my bag, pull on my favourite beanie and my coat and head out the door. 

I'm half way down my road when I see the bus waiting at my stop. Looks like I'm going to have to run. I sprint to the bus stop and make it just as the doors are closing. I squeeze through the gap then slide into my seat, ignoring all the hellos from the people I hate. I grab my phone out of my bag and plug in my headphones. Music up, world out. I sit staring out the window for the rest of the bus journey.

*20 mins later*

I step off the bus and start walking towards my tutor room. Everyone normally hangs out in the quad before tutor but I told them I wanted to do some last minute revising for the test which I had completely forgotten about until Mia reminded me as soon as I walked through the gate. I push the door open, although it takes all my strength because I'm really weak and the doors are really heavy. I slump into my seat and pull my maths book out my bag and slam it rather too violently onto the table, loud enough for my tutor to look up and come over to me. She asks me what's wrong, so I just do what I always do, shug and say "I'm fine, just tired and annoyed about this maths test". She leaves me alone and goes back to her desk. I start flicking through my book but the brightly coloured pages make no sense to me and I end up just staring blankly into space and the music and thoughts fill my head. A tear somehow creeps down my face. I instantly wipe it away and tell myself to grow up and stop being silly.

After 10 minutes of fake smiles and laughter with a few of my friends in tutor, the bell rings, signalling for first period. I drag myself through the crowded corridors that send my anxiety through the roof and stop outside the door to my maths class. I take a deep breath, swallow my fear and walk in. Heads turn to look at me as I walk in and take my seats, the insults beginning already. Fat, bitch, stupid, I could go on forever. I force back tears as I take my pencil case out my bag and start to stare at my paper.

Suddenly the hour has passed and I've only managed to complete two questions. I am the definition of failure. I shove my things back into my bag and place the paper on my teachers desk. Next lesson - D.T. 

Once I reach the D.T block and slide into my seat next to a girl called Milly. She's nice but she doesn't talk much. I hear my stomach rumble as my teacher tells us what we will be doing this lesson. Yay. Designing our packaging which basically means an hour of colouring. I take out my book and get my black sharpie and continue with my designs. About half way through the lesson I realise I need some colouring pencils which live in the draws at the front. I start walking up and just as I reach my teachers desk I feel the floor beneith me tilt and I am suddenly really dizzy. I crash to the ground.

I must have fainted. I wake up to see my teacher looking at me worriedly. Behind her is a crowd of other people in my class, asking if I'm okay, offering to go get the school nurse. I tell them not to and that I'm fine, that I must have just tripped and hit my head. My teacher seems confused but trusts me, gives me a glass of water which I take and sip slowly. She offers me a hand up with I grab and slowly stand up. My legs go weak and I wobble for a minute before standing up properly. "Are you sure you're okay?" she asks. I assure her that I'm fine and slowly stumble back to my seat and continue my work.

Within the last ten minutes of the lesson I manage to finish my packaging. Milly tells me it looks really good but I know she's just trying to be kind after what happened. My teacher, Mrs Fitz, comes over and says the same thing, after checking I'm okay again and telling me she's always here for me if I want to talk to her about anything, she lets me leave. I stumble out the door and into the arms of my best friend Mia, as she pulls me into a huge hug - someone must have told her. I tear slides it's self down my cheek and I feel Mia grip me tighter. 

Eventually she pulls away and wipes my tears. "Come on let's go get food you must be starving," she says as she grabs my arm and drags me towards the cafeteria. Just as we are about to go in I make up some excuse about having a packet lunch and needing to do some revision. I buy myself a bottle of water and tell her I will see her in French. I watch her take a seat next to the rest of my friends and see a huge grin sneak its way onto her face before I head for the library.

No one goes in here, apart from a few people, so it's pretty peaceul. I find myself an empty desk and sit down. I get my things out of my bag: Water, Headphones, iPhone and my school books to revise with. I put on my favourite tunes and flick through my book, highlighting the important parts.

The rest of the day goes by in a blur, everyone seems to be treading on eggshells around me after what happened earlier. Either that or they are taking the piss out of me for it.

"To fat to stand up" is the most commonly used one.

Some how all the teachers seem to know (most likely Mrs Fitz told them) and watched me like hawks for the whole afternoon.

By the time I finally get home I collapse onto my bed and burst into tears. I leave a note for my mum in the kitchen saying I've had food and don't feel well so I've gone to bed. I go back down to my room and cry myself to sleep. At least its sleep right? That makes a change.