When the love fades .

If there's one thing i'd choose in life it's ME .

The last straw for me was all the nights I've spent alone . When you were physically present but never there . You held me captive but didn't choose to love me either , spent many nights convincing myself it'd be alright but nothing was ever alright . I was only seen as the bad guy for ways I tried to heal what you broke once the doors have closed , I was only the bad guy for keeping a smile around them but trying to find better on my own .
I predicted life with you but got nothing but less than what I encountered when we had first met and that's the issue most people tend to face when you first meet someone you hope that a few months down the road things will remain the same but you can only hope because it's real and people do change. I loved you more than I could ever love myself and I was okay with that because I had installed in my mind the love I gave out would always return to me and in fact I was incorrect the love I deserve will find me when the time is right & the love I choose to share will be with someone more deserving of me . I will not sacrifice myself for the happiness of others , I will not cut off family and friends because of the insecurities you face on your own ; I too am human and I deserve a life filled with joy as well. My tears weigh heavy on my heart because for months I've been in the dark and felt I had no where else to go and that nobody would ever love me but the truth is I had no where else to go but I didn't have your love either , it was all in my head . I was comfortable with what I knew but deep down I knew that being comfortable could not heal what I felt . Attraction was never the problem, I was always attracted too but the feelings of being loved was never there , the dedication, the time & getting to know me .. nobody ever took the time to not even you . I was always a last priority to those in my life, family and friends but to you ? Who would've thought I'd feel that not once , not twice but three times .. losing your friends, losing your family and then losing the love of your life . Life shifts in crazy ways & at times we'd never imagine , times where we are already broken down and hopeless. Life has a way of making life feel a bit too lifeless. I've been alone and secluded and even so I let you have the time of your life because those memories I too wish I had but couldn't because I was too infatuated with keeping you happy because I know how you can get , I know what it's like to be shut out , ignored , belittled and what hurts the most is even when I was hurt by you , I still made a way to keep you happy and to show you that I was still present. My biggest problem in life is being present for those who don't acknowledge nor appreciate my presence , it's like indirectly saying your life has more meaning than mine, that I don't deserve to be reassured or taken care of or to be someone's first thought when they wake up ; it was one big "fuck you" to my face but I was blinded by the love I thought I had or thought I could keep and the biggest life lesson is do not keep what does not want to be kept , let it go because it'll find ways to show you it does not want you in return and you'll wish you took those red flags as a way to save yourself the first time around . When it came to your faults I was forgiving , forgiving way beyond you would forgive and sometimes I have laugh because I know deep down I could never have done what you've done to me and still be a priority. So many years of " I'm sorry" " I'll do better" "I'll love you different this time around" but this time around it was what I needed to hear just something to keep me around , something to tell me that I shouldn't give up on you but I should have , I should have choose me . I spent nights with words that I couldn't bare to leave my mouth out of fear of being alone but in fact I was already alone and in fact I already had no where else to go & that's just how you wanted it to be . I've mastered living with you but not being present , I could be like you but I'm ME . I'm loving , I'm considerate, I'm forgiving, I got a heart that never fails on those I'm supposed to love & that's the difference between me and you ; I love whole heartedly & you love for the time being . I deserved love , I deserved loyalty, I deserved to feel whole at night and with you I was lost , I was nobody, I was an addict , I was heart broken and all for love ? To no longer feel loved ? At the time I Wished there was someone to tell me let go it's not worth it . I wish they told me it's okay to let go and not to just try again , I wish I choose me sooner than later .