The Night We Met Again

PROLOGUE

A Mandala signifies The Universe.

The same Universe which conspired, causing us to meet.

The same Universe which conspired, causing us to grow apart..

****

You left me with beautiful memories, ones which make me think, "Was it all a Dream?" Ones that I will cherish forever..

The Night We Met Again:

It was drizzling that night in London.

A woman in her early 30s walked into Rosetta, a cafe on William Street, with her four year old daughter, hand in hand. They were welcomed by a warm "Hello" from the staff of the cafe- it was customary of them to wish everyone who went in and out of the cafe. She was wearing a cream coloured blouse and dark, tailored jeans. She had minimal accessories- diamond studs, a platinum wrist band and a chain which hung around her slender neck having the letters A and W as the pendant. Her daughter was dressed in accordance- a cream coloured top paired with a black skirt. She too was wearing diamond studs, that was her only accessory except a ribbon that was carefully attached to her pony tail. Mother and daughter were chatting away, occasionally observing the rest of the customers. The song which was playing in the background was their favourite, 'The City Of Stars.' They ordered a flatbread pizza.

She wore that chain each day but today because of some reason it caught her daughter's attention and she was curious enough to ask about it's significance. "I wear it because it has the first letters of papa's and my name." Before the little one could ask another question the pizza arrived and she dived into it. As they were eating, they heard another loud "Hello!" It was to welcome the new customer.

You were the new customer and I was the woman in her early 30s.

That night, we met again, after 15 years.

-

These 15 years had not been easy for me. The first few weeks after I had confronted you regarding your loyalty were by far the worst weeks I've ever spent. I was torn between my love for you and what I had to do to save myself. I couldn't bring myself to believe all that was said about you, how could you have pretended all the while? To me, it seemed impossible but then again, how could I not believe what my eyes had seen? The bitter truth.

I cried and cried and cried, I blamed my destiny for what had befallen.. I blamed myself for everything. I found faults in me, faults because of which I couldn't make myself the only one for you. I kept crying out for help, agony was screaming inside me. Then, someone said, " No one can help you but yourself. No one but you can save yourself."

I had shut myself off from everything. I didn't go out with friends, nor with family. With windows and door closed and curtains drawn, I sat with myself in the darkness, trying to find a way out of this misery. I called out to God, "Why me? What grievous sin had I committed that I'm being put through this? Why can't I be happy? Just when I thought that I had everything in place, did you really have to turn everything upside down? Maybe this is what I deserve." I was a mess.

-

Then one day I stopped sympathising with myself. I told myself that there was no point in being sad and morose and not enjoying life. I read a quote: Enjoy every moment of your life whether happy or sad. I decided to enjoy myself during this rough patch of my life. Yes, it hurt a lot, the emotions I was feeling were tangled up, contradicting each other. I tried to smile at myself in the mirror, even though tears were streaming down my face. I would do whatever it would take to get out of this. Things couldn't go on like this. Slowly, I started to untangle my emotions.

It was difficult, very very difficult because I loved you too much. I had fallen to great depths in my love for you, so much that I had lost myself. This was a journey to find myself, of course it wouldn't be easy, there were rough terrains I had to cover, heights to climb and I didn't have the gear required for that.

I still loved you. Rather, I still love you. I love you as much as the first day I saw you. Maybe because I loved you too much and because I thought that you were perfect for me that none of my relationships worked out. Every single time I tried to find you in them. I compared them with you. The moment they touched me, I was reminded of you. The impact you had on me was immense which made letting go of the memories hard. I kept trying, I knew one day it would happen and I also knew that no one could ever take your place; I wouldn't be able to love anyone as much as I had loved you.

-

For a month I had become what we term as 'antisocial.' Over this month I reconstructed myself, gained perspective, realised what my mistakes had been. I read books, listened to music(not romantic songs, I detested them), watched movies. In short, I was trying to bring back normalcy in my life but without you. Yes, memories always flashed in my mind but I tried not to think about those; the pain was still there. Sometimes I would have fits where I would go hysterical and doubt myself whether what I was doing was correct or not.

As Rupi Kaur has written in her book, "the sun and her flowers":

think of the flowers you plant

in the garden each year

they will teach you

that people too

must wilt

fall

root

rise

in order to bloom

It was time for me to bloom.

I got into medical school, became a surgeon while still nurturing my eternal desire to become a writer. Medical school helped me grow as an individual. By the time I was out, I felt that if not fully, I had let go most of my past.

I married my close friend, Abhimanyu, when he proposed to me on the London eye exactly how I had wanted to be proposed to, when I was a teen.

We were going smooth until I started making the same mistakes. Again..

We separated.

-

My reverie broke when Tisha dropped her fork. "Mom, that man is staring at you from a long time," Tisha said in a whisper. I looked in the direction of her pointed finger. I saw you. You looked away, how characteristic of you! You looked the same and your Adam's Apple had once again caught my attention. After many years the strings of my heart were going to play a tune. I stopped them. I noticed the engagement ring on your finger as well as your woman who walked into the cafe greeted with a warm welcome, at the same time. Both my daughter and I saw how you took her in your arms and kissed her.

I paid the bill and walked towards the door, Tisha's hand in mine.

I looked back at you. We held each other's gaze and the moment froze, one last time. I walked out with tears in my eyes as the staff called out " Visit us again!"

Tisha kept quiet all the while we were walking on the pavement. Our apartment was a few blocks away when I stopped at a dustbin. I knew what I had to do.

I untied the chain and placed it on my palm. I turned my palm downwards and saw the chain falling into the bin, gently.

I MOVED ON.